ST THOMAS AQUINAS: Apetite For Doctrine!
Like a LOT of parents, the Count of Aquino was less than THRILLED when he learned that his son had switches MAJORS midway through COLLEGE.
written by Fred Van Lente drawn by Ryan Dunlavey colored by Adam Guzowski
ACTION PHILOSOPHER #17:
ST. THOMAS AQUINAS!
Script by Fred Van Lentea
God will strike you down if you dare violate the © 2006 copyright of Fred Van Lente and Ryan Dunlavey. SEE IF HE DOESN’T!!
ONE
Panel 1: OKAY, GET READY FOR MORE MEDIEVAL FAT JOKES THAN YOU CAN HANDLE: A GROTESQUELY FAT ST. THOMAS AQUINAS SITS EATING FAST FOOD ON TOP OF FLATTENED ATHEISTS: Show Generic Scientist, Beatnik & Jean-Paul Sartre.
Appropriate Medieval Fast Food Joints:
- Burger Liege
- Sir McD’s
- Kamelot Fried Chicken
- Dame Wendy’s
BIG COPY: LOOK OUT, ATHEISTS!
COPY: HERE COMES THREE HUNDRED POUNDS OF THEOLOGICAL THAUMATURGY… THAT PEERLESS PACHYDERM OF PIOUS POSTULATING… THE MAN THEY CALL THE “SCHOLASTIC SPASTIC”…
CAPTION: (And Action Philosopher #17)
TITLE: St. Thomas Aquinas!
CREDITS (small): ON THE CONTRARY, Fred Van Lente doth WRITE and Ryan Dunlavey, he DRAWETH.
Panel 2: At the dinner table of an opulent medieval castle, the DUKE OF AQUINO stands and points angrily at his young son, THOMAS, dressed as a poor FRIAR (as per above). Tom’s mom, the COUNTESS, bursts into tears.
CAPTION: Like a LOT of hard-working parents, the COUNT OF AQUINO was less than THRILLED when his son decided to change MAJORS in COLLEGE:
COUNT: WHAT? You want to join the DOMINICANS? Over my DEAD BODY!!
COUNT: I didn’t pay for four years at the UNIVERSITY OF NAPLES for you to take a vow of POVERTY and HUMILITY!
THOMAS: I’m sorry, Father, I’ve made up my MIND.
TWO
Panel 1: The count orders his guards to seize Thomas.
COUNT: Then I’ll give you AMPLE opportunity to CHANGE IT!
COUNT: GUARDS! THROW HIM IN THE TOWER!
Panel 2: The count carries fistfuls of jewels and gold coins to a seductively dressed, high-priced medieval PROSTITUTE, reclining in her boudoir.
COUNT: I am told you are the GREATEST PROSTITUTE in all of ITALY!
MELISSA: Yes. Yes I am.
COUNT: You must SEDUCE my son into breaking the vows of his ORDER!
COUNT: How ELSE can he become POPE?!?
Panel 3: Melissa lies seductively in Thomas’s bed – he prays, sweating feverishly. Indicate bars on the windows.
CAPTION: The count delivered the temptress to Thomas’s room in the fortress of SAN GIOVANNI at ROCCO SECCA.
MELISSA: Ohhhh Tom-MEE…. I need HELP removing all this TIGHT, RESTRICTING LINGERIE…
AQUINAS (THOUGHT): Gee wilkers! She’s so HOT! O God, what am I gonna DO?!?
Panel 4: Two angels come floating down through the ceiling.
ANGEL #1: Fear NOT, Thomas! God has HEARD thy prayers and sent US to help thee!
ANGEL #2: Did not a HOLY MAN on the hour of thy BIRTH predict that NO ONE would be found to equal to thy LEARNING and thy SANCTITY?
Panel 5: An angel points at Thomas’s crotch. He lifts up the front of his robe --- all his genitalia is gone … his crotch is as smooth as a Barbie doll!
ANGEL: We GIRD THEE with the girdle of PERPETUAL VIRGINITY!
THOMAS: AWESOME! God’s the BEST!
ANGEL (small): Yes. We know. We’re angels.
THREE
Panel 1: Outside Thomas’s door, his father, the count, rubs his hands together evilly.
COUNT (THOUGHT): >Heh, heh!< With Thomas’s virtue stained beyond REDEMPTION, the Benedictines will have no choice but to boot his ass right OUT of the Order!
COUNT (THOUGHT): He’ll be able to become the BISHOP or CARDINAL I always WANTED in a son…
COUNT (THOUGHT): FAT VATICAN CONTRACTS, here I co--
Panel 2: The door bursts open and Thomas chases Melissa out of the room (she naked, clutching a sheet to her chest) with a red hot poker! Dad slaps his face with his hand.
MELISSA: EEEEEEEEEEE!!
THOMAS: Back to the depths of the INFERNO with you, HELLSPAWN!!
COUNT: Argh.
CAPTION: Thomas’s parents held him in captivity for almost TWO YEARS.
Panel 3: A group of Dominican friars stand on the base of the castle, looking up, as huge shadow falls over them. Their arms are outstretched, like they’re getting ready to catch something… large.
CAPTION: Finally, however, around 1245, the Countess persuaded her husband to let their son to follow what he clearly saw as GOD’S WILL.
CAPTION: He was lowered down to his fellow monks in a BASKET.
Panel 4: The rope breaks, dropping Aquinas (in the basket) on top of the monks, crushing them most foully. Aquinas munches on medieval fast food the whole while.
CAPTION: (We can only assume that the BASKET was the COUNT’S idea.)
SFX: SPLAT!!
Panel 5: In a classroom at the medieval University of Paris, “Albert the Great” (Albert Magnus — scroll down a little here) proudly surveys Thomas, at the front of the class, shaped like an ox and munching up a storm. (See a bigger, albeit B&W, version of that picture reference by scrolling way down here.)
CAPTION: The Dominicans discovered he had spent his captivity STUDYING, and immediately sent him to PARIS, the center of LEARNING of the medieval world.
CAPTION: Many of his teachers mistook his extreme humility as DULLNESS, calling him a “DUMB OX”, but legendary theologian ALBERT THE GREAT immediately recognized:
ALBERT: That DUMB OX’s bellowing in DOCTRINE will one day resound THROUGHOUT THE WORLD!
FOUR
Panel 1: Albert Magnus, Thomas Aquinas, and some priests, digging with a treasure map, discover a bust of Aristotle buried in the ground!
CAPTION: Albert believed that FAITH should be married to REASON whenever possible!
CAPTION: He led the “SCHOLASTIC” movement that fused Christian teachings with the newly translated (into Latin) SECULAR philosophies of ARISTOTLE!
ALBERT: Hey! Look what WE found!
Panel 2: Aquinas and St. Bonaventura square off – while, behind them, the spirits of Plato and Aristotle struggle with each other! (Keep in mind Aristotle is Big Mac Daddy of AP #7, so you might as well design him now… ☺)
CAPTION: When Thomas began teaching at Paris himself in 1252, he was OPPOSED, at first, by PLATONISTS who felt Aristotle’s rejection of the THEORY OF FORMS denied that God possessed all the IDEAS of the World!
Panel 3: St. Thomas Aquinas protects the beaten-up bust of Aristotle by running out of a cathedral with it, chased by angry saints and priests!
CAPTION: Thomas set about “CHRISTIANIZING” Aristotle to make him fit for use in the theological classroom!
CAPTION: He wrote in carefully constructed DIALECTICS that exemplified the clear, simple structure of ARISTOTELIAN LOGIC:
4: BIG PANEL: DEVIL OF DOUBT DEBATES AQUINAS: LEAVE ROOM FOR LOADS OF DIALOGUE.
BLURB: QUESTION: Whether God exists?
DEVIL: Objection: It seems that God does NOT exist; for the word “God” means that He is INFINITE GOODNESS.
DEVIL: If, therefore, God existed, there would be no EVIL discoverable; but there IS evil in the world.
DEVIL: THEREFORE, God does NOT exist!
AQUINAS: On the contrary, it is said in the person of God: “I am Who I am” (Exodus 3:14).
AQUINAS: I answer that, the existence of God can be proved in FIVE ways.
FIVE
HEADER COPY:
Proof the First: from MOTION
1: AQUINAS PLAYS WITH YO-YO (Quote: Summa 58-9). Copy with arrow pointing to yo-yo says “IN MOTION.” Arrow pointing to Aquinas says “ANOTHER”.
AQUINAS: It is certain, and evident to our senses, that in the world some things are in MOTION.
AQUINAS: Now whatever is in motion is put IN motion by ANOTHER, for nothing can be in motion except it is in POTENTIALITY to that towards which it is IN MOTION.
2: CU – TWO IMAGES OF AQUINAS’S HAND: 1) WITH COPY “POTENTIALITY” SHOWS THE YO-YO CURLED UP IN HIS HAND – 2) THE OTHER SHOWS AQUINAS’S HAND RELEASING IT (COPY=”ACTUALITY”)
FB: For motion is nothing else than the reduction of something from POTENTIALITY to ACTUALITY.
3: THE YO-YO IS EXTENDED BY ITSELF, AS IF BEING EXTENDED FROM AN INVISIBLE FINGER! An “X” is drawn through this picture, to demonstrate its impossibility.
FB: But NOTHING can be reduced from potentiality to actuality, EXCEPT by something in a state of ACTUALITY!
FB: It is therefore IMPOSSIBLE that a thing should be mover AND moved, i.e. that it should move ITSELF!
4: AQUINAS FOLLOWS A ROW OF FALLING DOMINOS, BACK, BACK, BACK – TOWARD A CURTAIN IN THE BACKGROUND!
AQUINAS: If that by which it is put in motion be ITSELF put in motion, then this ALSO must needs be put in motion by another, and that by another AGAIN…
AQUINAS: …but this cannot go on to INFINITY, because then there would be no FIRST MOVER, and, consequently no OTHER mover.
5: AQUINAS LIFTS UP CURTAIN TO REVEAL GOD, BENDING OVER, FINGER STILL HELD IN THE POSITION OF FLICKING DOWN THE FIRST DOMINO
AQUINAS: Therefore it is necessary to arrive at a FIRST MOVER, put in motion by NO OTHER…
AQUINAS: …and this EVERYONE understands to be GOD!
SIX
HEADER COPY ON TOP:
Proof the Second: from
EFFICIENT CAUSE
1: AQUINAS WATCHES BAFFLED DOCTORS DELIVER A BABY WHO LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE HER MOTHER! (Quotations: Summa 60-1)
MOTHER: HUFF! PANT!
BABY: HUFF! PANT!
AQUINAS: There is no case known (neither is it, indeed, possible)…
AQUINAS: …in which a thing is found to be the efficient cause of ITSELF; for so it would be PRIOR to itself, which is IMPOSSIBLE.
2: AQUINAS CONSIDERS THREE DOMINOS FALLING – EACH ONE IS NUMBERED
AQUINAS: Now in efficient causes it is not possible to go on to INFINITY, because in ALL efficient causes following in order, the FIRST is the cause of the INTERMEDIATE cause…
AQUINAS: …and the INTERMEDIATE cause is the cause of the ULTIMATE cause, whether the intermediate cause be SEVERAL, or ONE ONLY.
3: SAME SHOT: AQUINAS REMOVES THE MIDDLE DOMINO, SO WHEN THE LEFT ONE FALLS OVER, THE RIGHT ONE JUST STANDS THERE!
AQUINAS: Now to TAKE AWAY the cause is to take away the EFFECT!
AQUINAS: THEREFORE, if there be no first cause among efficient causes, there will be no ULTIMATE, nor any INTERMEDIATE cause.
4: AQUINAS SQUINTS TO SEE A LONG SPIRAL OF DOMINOS SPIRALING OUT INTO AN INFINITE VOID!
AQUINAS: But if in infinite causes it is possible to go on to INFINITY, there will be NO first efficient cause, neither will there be an ultimate effect—which is plainly FALSE!
5: AQUINAS HOLDS UP A SHINY GOLD DOMINO WITH THE NUMBER “1” PRINTED ON IT – AN THE IMAGE OF GOD GIVING THE THUMB’S-UP! (q.v. “Approved by Inspector #1,” in Descartes)
AQUINAS: THEREFORE it is necessary to admit a FIRST efficient cause…
AQUINAS: …to which EVERYONE gives the name of GOD!
SEVEN
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Proof the Third: from
NECESSARY vs. POSSIBLE BEING
1: TWO SHOTS OF A BUNNY – ONE HAPPY, LABELED “TO BE” – THEN BESIDE IT, THAT SAME BUNNY AS ROADKILL, LABELED “NOT TO BE” (Quotations: Summa 61-2)
FB: We find in Nature things that are possible TO be and NOT to be.
2: BUNNY DARES ONCOMING SEMI TO RUN IT OVER! Label with arrow reads “DELUSIONAL BUNNY”
FB: But it is IMPOSSIBLE for these ALWAYS to exist, for that which IS possible NOT TO BE at some time IS NOT.
BUNNY: BRING IT ON!! I CANNOT NOT BE!!
3: BLANK PANEL EXCEPT FOR A PAIR OF FLOATING EYES
FLOATING EYES: Therefore, if EVERYTHING is possible NOT TO BE, then at ONE time there could have been NOTHING in existence!
FLOATING EYES: Now if this were TRUE, even NOW there would be NOTHING in existence, because that which does NOT exist only BEGINS to exist by something ALREADY existing.
4: SAME SHOT EXCEPT ALL OF ST. THOMAS HAS BEEN FILLED IN AGAIN – WITH A CHURCHY, MEDIEVAL-VILLAGE TYPE BACKGROUND!
SFX: POIT!
AQUINAS: THEREFORE, not ALL beings are merely POSSIBLE!
AQUINAS: There must exist something the EXISTENCE of which is NECESSARY.
5: PULL BACK – WE SEE THAT THE MEDIEVAL VILLAGE IS A SNOW GLOBE HELD IN GOD’S HAND!
AQUINAS (dot in globe): We cannot but POSTULATE the existence of some being having of ITSELF its own necessity, and not receiving it from ANOTHER, but rather causing in others THEIR necessity!
AQUINAS (ditto): THIS all men speak of as GOD!
EIGHT
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Proof the Fourth: from the
DEGREES OF PERFECTION
1: TWO SETS OF COMIC BOOK CREATORS: DISGUSTING WRITER & ARTIST CHURN OUT MORONIC SUPER HERO COMICS – BUT BESIDE THEM, GODLIKE, FIT & TRIM FRED & RYAN, WRITING/DRAWING ACTION PHILOSOPHERS! (Quotations: Summa 62)
FB: Among beings there are some MORE and some LESS good, true, noble, and the like.
2: GESTAPO-LIKE INSPECTOR (WITH “AP” BADGE) INSPECTS ASSHOLES’ WORTHLESS STUPID SUPER HERO COMIC BY COMPARING IT TO IMAGE OF ACTION PHILOSOPHERS.
FB: But “more” and “less” are predicated of different things, according as they resemble in their different ways something which is the MAXIMUM…
3: COMICS CREATORS MORTIFIED AS BUZZER GOES OFF – SIGN OVER AP FLASHES “NOT HOT”!
FB: …as a thing said to be HOTTER according as it more nearly resemble that which is HOTTEST…
FB: …so that there is something which IS truest, something BEST, something NOBLEST.
4: GESTAPO “AP” GOONS BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF SUPER HERO CREATORS WITH THEIR TRUNCHEONS!
FB: Consequently, there is something which IS uttermost being…
FB: …as FIRE, which is the maximum of HEAT, is the cause of ALL HOT THINGS.
5: RYAN & FRED PROUDLY SHAKE GOD’S HANDS!
RYAN: Therefore there must also be something which is to ALL beings the cause of their being, goodness, and every OTHER perfection…
FRED: ...and THIS we call GOD!
NINE
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Proof the Fifth: from the
ORDER OF THE UNIVERSE
1: A MORON (Quotations: Summa 63)
FB: We see that things which lack INTELLIGENCE—
FB: Er… NO… I mean NATURAL BODIES…
2: A TORNADO DESTROYS A TRAILER HOME – REDNECKS RUN SCREAMING
FB: …act for an END, and this is evident from their acting ALWAYS, or NEARLY always, in the same WAY, so as to obtain the best RESULT.
3: A HAND REACHES OUT AND CROSSES OFF THE SYMBOL OF A TRAILER HOME IN A ROW/COLUMN OF LOTS OF TRAILER HOME SYMBOLS, ALL CROSSED OUT
FB: Hence it is plain that not FORTUITOUSLY, but DESIGNEDLY, do they achieve their end.
FB: Now whatever LACKS intelligence cannot move towards an end, unless it be DIRECTED by some being endowed with knowledge and intelligence…
4: PULL BACK – GOD BEFORE BOARD MARKED “TRAILER PARKS DESTROYED”
FB: …THEREFORE, some intelligent being exists by whom ALL natural things are directed to their end, and THIS being we call…
GOD: I HATE !#@$%! TRAILER PARKS!!
FB (small): …er, you get the idea…
TEN
Panel 1: AQUINAS PULLS OUT ST. AUGUSTINE WHO VERSIFIES AT THE FLEEING DEMON, WHO RUNS AWAY WITH HIS FINGERS IN HIS EARS! (Quote: Summa 64)
AQUINAS: Reply Obj.: As AUGUSTINE says:
AUGUSTINE: “Since God is the HIGHEST GOOD, He would not allow ANY evil to exist in His works, unless His omnipotence and goodness were such as to bring GOOD even out of EVIL!”
DEVIL: AAHHH! No more! UNCLE! You win!!
Panel 2: Sitting in his wired-for-Wi-fi dorm room, a 2006 slacker, wearing an iPod, struggles through a book: “POETICS”, by good ol’ Aristotle.
CAPTION: Thomas was SO ridiculously successful at showing how the methods of the PAGAN GREEKS could be applied to CHRISTIAN THEOLOGY, Aristotle & Co. REMAIN the foundation of philosophy throughout Christendom to THIS DAY!
21ST CENTURY SLACKER: >Pfft!< Thanks a BUNCH, Aquinas-dude!
Panel 3: STAT PAGE THREE PANEL 3: Friars wait to catch a lowering shadow…
CAPTION: Thomas spent the remainder of his life (d. 1274) preaching, writing, and TEACHING.
CAPTION: Canonized in 1323, he is the PATRON SAINT of CATHOLIC SCHOOLS and UNIVERSITIES.
Panel 4: STATE PAGE THREE PANEL 4: EXCEPT in the basket, instead of Aquinas, is a huge-ass book: “SUMMA THEOLOGICA”.
CAPTION: His reputation was ENSURED by his most famous book, the Summa Theologica, a 3,000-PAGE treatise considered by most to be the GREATEST work of theology ever WRITTEN!
SFX: SPLAT!
CAPTION: But in order to be a SAINT, MIRACLES have to be attributed to you too. This happened in 1273 when THREE of Aquinas’s brother MONKS swore they saw the CRUCIFIX in the monastery CHAPEL come to LIFE:
Panel 5: Thomas chats with the crucifix hanging at the front of the chapel while a trio of stunned monks looks on.
CRUCIFIX: Thou hast written WELL of me, Thomas; what REWARD wilt thou have?
AQUINAS: None other than THYSELF, Lord!
CAPTION: Now HOW MANY philosophers can boast such GLOWING REVIEWS by their own SUBJECTS?
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