NICCOLO MACHIAVELLI: Undercover Boss!
"In taking a state a conqueror must arrange to commit ALL his cruelties at ONCE, so as not to have to recur to them every day."
written by Fred Van Lente drawn by Ryan Dunlavey colored by Adam Guzowski
Script ACTION PHILOSOPHERS: NICCOLO MACHIAVELLI!
Script by Fred Van Lente
ACTION PHILOSOPHERS created by Ryan Dunlavey & Fred Van Lente & © tm 2005 them. All Rights Reserved
PAGE ONE
FULL-PAGE SPLASH: THE Sala dei Cinquecento IN FLORENCE’S PALAZZO VECCHIO – THE COUNCIL OF TEN MEETS – Here’s a good guide to gentlemen and lady’s dress of the Italian Renaissance. The speaker stands, and says:
SCROLL CAPTION (SEE “PRINCE”): 1527
SPEAKER: I call this meeting of THE COUNCIL OF THE TEN of the FLORENTINE REPUBLIC to order!
SPEAKER: The first item on the agenda is the REINSTATEMENT of our former secretary…
SPEAKER: …ACTION PHILOSOPHER #117…
SPEAKER (BIG): … NICCÒLO MACHIAVELLI!
NOTE TO RYAN: “PRINCE” captions should take the form of (simple) scrolls – maybe create one with vectors in Illustrator so we can manipulate them well? And letter with a frilly, Renaissance, fantasy-type font. I would recommend CAELDERA (Title) or ARCANUM (Dialogue) at http://www.blambot.com/fonts.shtml.
PRINCE: This tale hath doth been penned byest:
FEDERICO di LENTI III, Duke SCRIPTURIO
RYAN “Il Fuzzino” of the Erieshire DUNLAVEYS,, first Earl of COMELY DOODLES
TWO
1: IN THE VESTIBULE OUTSIDE, TWO CLERKS – ONE OLD (FORTUNATO) AND ONE YOUNG (MONTRESSOR) HUSTLE OUT AN OLD FARMER who meekly holds his hat. There’s a big (and kind of obvious) reveal in this story. From Pages Three through Eleven, Machiavelli is ALWAYS depicted as a mysterious shadow figure, a behind-the-scenes Kingmaker. But our farmer is the aged, muslin-wearing version of this. Fortunato & Montressor should wear the same robes Machiavelli does in this painting.
FORTUNATO: No point in HANGING AROUND, Old Man – the TEN take a while to decide ANYTHING.
FORTUNATO: Return to your master – we’ll tell you which way the vote SWINGS.
MACHIAVELLI: Th-thank you, kind CLERKS. >Kof!< I--I LIVE to SERVE… >Kof!<
2: MONTRESSOR EXCITEDLY BUG FORTUNATO.
MONTRESSOR: Is it TRUE, Fortunato? Will the legendary MACHIAVELLI at last return to guide the diplomacy of FLORENCE?
FORTUNATO: Why NOT? After all, he received his FIRST position when the Medicis got tossed out on their asses the LAST time!*
3: BIG PANEL: CITYSCAPE OF FLORENCE: SPIRIT OF LORENZO THE MAGNIFICENT ROLLS HIS EYES OVERHEAD AS SISSY-BOY PIERO “THE UNFORTUNATE” di MEDICI flees the city from one end as an army of beret-wearing, clove cigarette smoking, mime-dressed Frenchmen (waving the French flag) invade the city from the other end.
SCROLL CAPTION: 1494
CAPTION: (*: The MEDICI FAMILY, bankers to the POPE, had ruled Florence for DECADES. Beneficent rulers like Lorenzo “THE MAGNIFICENT” de’ Medici beautified the city with art, sculpture and learning…)
CAPTION: (…but when Lorenzo died his worthless son PIERO took over. The FRENCH invaded Italy to claim the throne of NAPLES and Piero fled the city. The FIRST Florentine Republic was established in his absence.)
THREE
1: In background, PIERO DROWNS IN RIVER, while in foreground FLORENTINE GENTLEMEN examine blackboard on which several other possible nicknames for Piero have been considered:
DUMBASS
SCHMUCKBOY
GIRLY MAN
SIR RUNS-A-LOT
THE WHIZZER
THE UNFORTUNATE
CAPTION: (Piero later allied himself WITH the French in an attempt to regain his power, but DROWNED fleeing a losing battle, thus earning him the nickname “THE UNFORTUNATE”…)
PIERO: >Glub!<
CAPTION: (…though OTHERS were CONSIDERED.)
2: TWO-SHOT: FORTUNATO & MONTRESSOR
FORTUNATO: You’re too young to REMEMBER, Montressor, but the early days of the Republic were DARK indeed.
3: PSYCHO PRIEST SAVONAROLA OVERSEES THE INFAMOUS BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES. Botticelli throws his own works on the flames on the enormous bonfire!
CAPTION: “The people fell under the spell of GIORLAMO SAVONAROLA – the crazed PRIEST who thought Lorenzo’s splendor was an AFFRONT to God!”
CAPTION: “He ordered mirrors – cosmetics – books – musical instruments – cast onto his BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES!”
CAPTION: “BOTICELLI was forced to throw his paintings onto the flames HIMSELF!
4: SAVONAROLA BURNED AND HANGED AT THE SAME TIME in Florentine square while Shadow Machiavelli watches, taking notes.
CAPTION: “We Florentines tired of Savonarola’s ZEALOTRY soon enough, though. After the Pope EXCOMMUNICATED him we HANGED and BURNED him at the same time!”
CAPTION 2: “Right… that’s our EXTRA DOUBLE DELUXE execution WITH CHEESE. I heard Machiavelli was THERE!”
PRINCE: It must be considered that there is nothing more difficult to carry out, nor more doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to handle, than to initiate a new order of things.
FOUR
1: SHADOW MACHIAVELLI WATCHES ARMOR-CLAD CATHERINE SFORZA MARCHED OUT of her Fortress of Imola by a peasant army. (81)
CAPTION: “I suppose it’s POSSIBLE. Not long AFTER, he was appointed secretary to the Republic’s SECOND CHANCERY.”
CAPTION: “His first diplomatic mission was to the province of ROMANGA, where France’s allies besieged Milan’s ruling SFORZA family.”
CAPTION: “‘Though the Sforzas’ castle was IMPENETRABLE, it was overthrown from WITHIN! The peasants, sick of OPPRESSION, allied themselves with the foreigner!”
PRINCE: I would blame any ruler who, trusting in fortresses, recks little of being hated by her people.
2: CESARE BORGIA POSES FOR A PORTRAIT PAINTER WHO DEPICTS HIM AS JESUS. Signifying his role as the stud-muffin DUKE VALENTINO, STARRY-EYED GROUPIES swoon all around him, asking him to sign VALENTINES (cards with hearts on them).
CAPTION 1: “At FORLI Machiavelli met Cesare Borgia, DUKE VALENTINO, who LED the siege.”
CAPTION 2: “Is it TRUE that many of the paintings of JESUS CHRIST from that era were BASED on the notoriously HANDSOME duke?”
3: POPE ALEXANDER VI DROPS A KEY CHAIN SHAPED LIKE THE ITALIAN PENINSULA IN CESARE’S HAND – BEHIND HIM IS A FERRARI marked “ITALY”.
CAPTION 1: “Sure. He WAS the son of POPE ALEXANDER VI and one of his many MISTRESSES! He owed ALL to his father’s patronage of France!”
POPE: Just bring it home in one PIECE.
CESARE: Golly! THANKS, Dad!
CAPTION 1: “Soon all of Romagna fell to the duke’s armies. He appointed the cruel REMIRRO DE ORCO its ruler!”
4: SHADOW MACHIAVELLI TAKES NOTES AS REMIRRO and his ARMY GOONS BURN A FARM, KICK THE SHIT OUT OF THE FARMERS
PRINCE: In taking a state the conqueror must arrange to commit all his cruelties at once, so as not to have to recur to them every day.
PRINCE: For injuries should be done all together, so that being less tasted, they will give less offense.
FIVE
1: CESARE IN THRONE ROOM LISTENS WITH GREAT INTENT AND CONCERN TO BRUTALIZED PEASANT WOMAN PLEADING WITH HIM while slipping out the back door is Remirro de Orco with a piece of paper that reads:
Duke’s Orders:
Terrorize
Imprison
PRINCE: This man (Remirro), in a short time, was highly successful in rendering the country orderly and united.
PEASANT: Remirro TERRORIZES poor farmers and IMPRISONS the peasantry for NO GOOD CAUSE, Duke Valentino!
CESARE: Hmmm, you don’t say… Oh my, that’s awful…
PRINCE: Whereupon the duke, not deeming such excessive authority expedient, lest it become hateful, resolved to show that that if any cruelty had taken place, it was not by his orders, but through the harsh discipline of his minister.
2: REMIRRO IS EXECUTED AS CESARE IS CARRIED AWAY BY CHEERING CROWDS WHILE MACHIAVELLI TAKES NOTES. Remirro, Machiavelli writes, was “cut in half and placed one morning in the public square at Cesena with a piece of wood and blood-stained knife by his side.” (27)
PRINCE: There are many who think therefore that a wise prince ought, when he has the chance, to foment astutely some enmity, so that by suppressing it…
REMIRRO: Wha…what’d I DO…? >Choke!< >Gak!<
PRINCE: …he will augment his greatness.
3: POPE ALEXANDER VI DIES IN HORRIBLE AGONY from a poisoned sweetmeat. A cardinal high-tails it out of the room. For a contemporary (and graphic) description of the pope’s body, see Chronicle of the Popes, p. 164.
CAPTION 1: “Who KNOWS how far Valentino would have climbed, had his FATHER not died so suddenly!”
CAPTION 2: “Scandalmongers say Alexander VI planned to poison a CARDINAL, but the wily cleric switched their SWEETMEAT BOXES so the pope’s own TREACHERY did him in!”
4: SHADOW MACHIAVELLI WATCHES FROM ST. PETER’S SQUARE AS WHITE SMOKE DENOTES ELECTION OF NEW POPE
CAPTION 1: “GOOD RIDDANCE, I say. The Republic sent Machiavelli to ROME to monitor the election of the NEW POPE.”
CAPTION 1: “Duke Valentino, suffering from a FEVER, was manipulated into allowing an enemy of the Borgias to be elected POPE JULIUS II!”
5: MISERABLE CESARE BORGIA LANGUISHES IN SPANISH JAIL, PEERING THROUGH THE BARS WITH SUNKEN EYES!
CAPTION 1: “If Valentino thought Julius II would be GRATEFUL, he was in for a NASTY SURPRISE!”
PRINCE: Whoever thinks that in high personages new benefits cause old offenses to be forgotten, makes a great mistake.
PRINCE: The duke erred in his choice and it was the cause of his ultimate ruin.
SIX
1: JULIUS II STANDS BOLDLY FORWARD IN POWER ARMOR – sort of like if Tony Stark designed the Pope’s get-up. Big words ‘BATTLE POPE” glow above him. Machevilli’s shadow way in background.
CAPTION 1: “With Alexander dead and Valentino IMPRISONED, Romagna turned to VENICE for military protection!”
CAPTION 1: “But Julius II wouldn’t stand for THAT – he PERSONALLY led papal armies against them!”
CAPTION 1: “Machiavelli was MUCH IMPRESSED with the BOLDNESS with which the new pope conquered BOLOGNA.”
2: SCENE FROM CHARLES ATLAS AD: DAME FORTUNE IN HORSESHOE-COVERED BIKINI (AND 4-LEAF CLOVER EARRINGS) SPURNS SKINNY NERD INSTEAD OF HE-MAN JULIUS IN TRUNKS (IN POPE HAT). Floating behind Pope for all you Flex Mentallo fans are the words: “POPE OF THE BEACH”.
PRINCE: Fortune is a woman, and it is necessary, if you wish to master her, to conquer her by force.
PRINCE: It can be seen that she lets herself be overcome by the bold rather than by those who proceed coldly.
3: MEMBERS OF LEAGUE OF CAMBRAI ORGANIZED LIKE SUPER HERO TEAM: The other members are THE HOLY ROMAN EMPIRE, FRANCE and SPAIN in super hero identities. But Julius is there in full “Battle Pope” armor. In superhero lettering the words “LEAGUE OF CAMBRAI” float above them.
CAPTION 1: “The pope needed ALLIES against the Venetians, so formed a PACT with Spain, France and the HOLY ROMAN EMPIRE.”
4: TREE HOUSE – ANGLE UP – BATTLE POPE & A VENETIAN GONDOLIER KICK OUT OUR MIME-LIKE REPRESENTATION OF FRANCE. On the tree house is a handwritten sign – “NO FRENCHIES ALLOWED”
CAPTION 1: “But once Venice was brought to the PAPAL HEEL, Julius SWITCHED allies AND aims – joining with his former foes to drive the French OUT of Italy!”
FRENCH GUY: SACRE BLEU!
PRINCE: If men were all good, it would be good to keep faith with them; but as they are bad, and would not observe faith with you, you are not bound to keep faith with them.
SEVEN
1: AS SHADOW MACHIAVELLI WATCHES, MAXIMILIAN I WRITES ON PAPER LABELED “PLANS”, BUT HIDES IT SO THE MINISTERS CLUSTERED BEHIND HIM CAN’T SEE! (88)
CAPTION 1: “I believe Machiavelli was in VIENNA through 1508, serving as envoy to Holy Roman Emperor MAXMILIAN I. He was LESS than IMPRESSED”:
PRINCE: As the present emperor is a secret man he does not communicate his designs to anyone or take any advice…
2: MAXIMILIAN STEWS IN FURY IN THE MIDDLE OF HIS SCREAMING AND ARGUING MINISTERS, ALL OF WHOM NOW HOLD A COPY OF HIS “PLANS”.
PRINCE: …but as on putting them into effect they begin to be known and discovered, they begin to be opposed by those he has about him, and he is easily diverted from his purpose.
PRINCE: Hence it comes to pass that what he does one day he undoes the next, no one ever understands what he wishes or intends to do, and no reliance is to be placed on his deliberations.
3: SPANISH KING FERDINAND II LISTENS CLOSELY TO HIS MINISTERS WHILE HOLDING AN ALARM CLOCK – With two settings: “LISTEN” and “ACT”. At the moment, the hands point at “LISTEN!”
PRINCE: A prince ought always to take counsel, but only when he wishes, not when others wish…
PRINCE: …he ought to be a great asker, and a patient hearer of the truth about those things of which he has inquired.
4: FERDINAND GOES TO BALCONY TO OBSERVE A STREAM OF PEOPLE LEAVING SPAIN. THE ALARM CLOCK HAS GONE ON OFF IN HIS HAND – NOW THE HANDS POINT AT “ACT”! (81-2)
PRINCE: We have in our own day Ferdinand, the present King of Spain.
PRINCE: He had recourse to a pious cruelty…
5: DOWN BELOW – MOORS (MUSLIMS) & JEWS STREAM OUT OF SPAIN WITH THEIR STUFF ON THEIR BACKS – SPANIARDS, WATCH THEM, EXCHANGING TERRIFIED LOOKS WITH EACH OTHER! Here’s costume for a Spanish lady from that era.
PRINCE: …driving out the Moors (and the Jews) from his kingdom and despoiling them.
PRINCE: These and other acts have kept his subjects’ minds uncertain and astonished, so that they have left no time for men to settle down and against him.
EIGHT
1: SHADOW MACHIAVELLI AT LAST CAUGHT IN MIDDLE – SURROUNDED BY BATTLE POPE, FRENCHMEN AND GONDOLIER (83)
CAPTION 1: “It took ALL of Machiavelli and his fellow ministers’ DIPLOMATIC SKILLS to keep the Republic OUT of the Italian Wars. But he learned the HARD WAY…”
PRINCE: Irresolute princes, to avoid present dangers, usually follow the way of neutrality, and are mostly ruined by it.
2: GUILIANO DI LORENZO DE’ MEDICI BURSTS THROUGH DOOR OF SUBURBAN HOME, CARRYING SUITCASES (LABELED “MEDICI”) – HE SEEMS PRETTY HAPPY!
CAPTION 1: “The Pope could no longer risk the possibility that Florence might ally with his ENEMIES. In 1512, Ferdinand’s armies OCCUPIED the city, and then, by PAPAL DECREE…”
GUILIANO: Honey, I’m HOME!
CAPTION 1: “…Julius returned the MEDICIS to power! GUILIANO, Piero’s brother, became the city’s new duke!”
3: FLORENTINE BACK ALLEY – A COUPLE OF YOUNG LIBERAL STUDENTS – CAPTURED BY SPANISH SOLDIERS! One of the soldiers discovers a PAPER on the student!
CAPTION 1: “A Medici GOON SQUAD soon arrested two young republican CONSPIRATORS with a list of people they thought might be SYMPATHETIC to an OVERTHROW of papal control!”
4: ANGLE ON LIST –ONE NAME IS LEGIBLE TO US: NICCOLÒ MACHIAVELLI!
CAPTION 1: “Guess whose name was found on it?”
5: SHADOW MACHIAVELLI HIDEOUSLY TORTURED ON THE RACK BY INQUISITION GOONS!
CAPTION 2: “>Gasp!< Did Machiavelli NAME NAMES?”
CAPTION 1: “How COULD he? He had NO IDEA how his name got ON the list in the FIRST place!”
NINE
1: ESTABLISHING SHOT: MACHIAVELLI’S FARM IN THE SUBURBS OF FLORENCE
CAPTION 1: “His life was SPARED – but the Medici banished him to a farm in the SUBURBS, his government position forever LOST!”
CAPTION 1: “>Feh!< Some MERCY! To cut one such as NICCÒLO off from the halls of POWER … the Medici might as well have cut off his AIR SUPPLY!”
2: BIG PANEL: SHADOW MACHIAVELLI IN HIS LIBRARY, CONVERSING WITH GHOSTS THAT FLOAT OUT OF THE TOMES ON HIS SHELVES: Among the specters are MOSES … JULIUS CAESAR … and ALEXANDER THE GREAT! (xxix)
CAPTION: Still, he found a way to KEEP BUSY in his LIBRARY:
PRINCE: On the threshold I slip of my day’s clothes with their mud and dirt, put on my curial robes, and enter the ancient courts of the men of old.
PRINCE: I am not ashamed to address them and ask them the reasons for their action, and the reply considerately; and for two hours I forget all my cares.
PRINCE: And since Dante says that we can never attain knowledge unless we retain what we hear, I have noted down the capital I have accumulated from their conversation and composed a little book…
3: SHADOW MACHIAVELLI BOWS DOWN BEFORE RICH DICKHEAD MEDICI KID – LIKE RICHIE RICH, HANGING OUT WITH POOLSIDE IN SHADES AND BABES. Machievelli holds a book…
CAPTION: “He dedicated his book to Piero’s son LORENZO in attempt to win the FAVOR of the Medicis and reclaim his POSITION!”
CAPTION: “It contained the SUM TOTAL of all of Machiavelli’s STUDY of ANCIENT LORE, combined with his decades of EXPERIENCE in government service –“
4:ANGLE DOWN – BOOK COVER: “Il Principe” (89)
PRINCE: The herein-mentioned things, if prudently observed, make a new prince seem ancient, and render him at once more secure and firmer in the state than if he had been established there of old.
CAPTION: “Everything the boy prince would need to SURVIVE – nay, THRIVE – in the courts of the GREAT!”
TEN
1: STAT PAGE THREE PANEL 1
PRINCE: My intention being to write something of use to those who understand, it appears to me more proper to go to the real truth of the matter than to its imagination.
PRINCE: How we live is so far removed from how we ought to live, that he who abandons what is done for what ought to be done, will rather learn how to bring about his own ruin than his preservation.
2: STAT PAGE FIVE PANEL 3
PRINCE: A man who wishes to make a profession of goodness in everything must necessarily come to grief among so many who are not good.
PRINCE: Therefore it is necessary for a prince, who wishes to maintain himself…
3: STAT PAGE SEVEN PANEL 4
PRINCE: …to learn how not to be good.
4: STAT PAGE FIVE PANEL 1
PRINCE: Everybody sees what you appear to be, few feel what you are, and those few will not dare to oppose themselves to the many.
PRINCE: In the actions of men, and especially of princes, from which there is no appeal…
NOTE: RUN BIG ACROSS BOTTOM OF PAGE IN FLORID SCRIPT:
…the end justifies the means.
ELEVEN
1: KID LORENZO DROPS “THE PRINCE” INTO DUST BIN HELD OPEN BY SNOOTY BUTLER
CAPTION: “That stupid brat never READ the copy of “THE PRINCE” Machiavelli presented to him– “
CAPTION: “—if he HAD, maybe his family wouldn’t have been EXILED again!”
2: HUNGRY TROOPS SACK & LOOT ROME
CAPTION: “The people turned AGAINST the Pope when foreign troops – his OWN ALLIES -- sacked Rome! We REPUBLICANS are back on top!
3: FORTUNATO SHUSHES MONTRESSOR AS HE CRACKS OPEN DOOR TO EAVESDROP ON COUNCIL
MONTRESSOR: For the past FIFTEEN YEARS “The Prince” has been copied and translated and studied ACROSS EUROPE! I have whole CHAPTERS memorized!
MONTRESSOR: With a man of MACHIAVELLI’s genius in our diplomatic corps, surely the Florentine Republic will be safe from overthrow for the next THOUSAND YEARS!
FORTUNATO: SSSHH! Sounds like the debate is WINDING DOWN…
4: FORTUNATO’S POV: THROUGH CRACK IN HEAVY OAK DOOR – THE COUNCIL CHAMBER
SPEAKER: So it’s UNANIMOUS, then!
5: CU – ANGRY SPEAKER
SPEAKER: Thanks to our former secretary’s CYNICAL SCREED, the very word “MACHIAVELLIAN” has become a SYNONYM for RUTHLESS DUPLICITY!
SPEAKER: We cannot have such a person working for US!
6: SPEAKER BRINGS GAVEL DOWN IN FOREGROUND WHILE COUNCILMEN APPLAUD IN BACKGROUND.
SPEAKER (OFF): The citizens of Florence must know their government is ruled by FAITH, CHARITY and RELIGION!
SPEAKER (OFF): Signore Machiavelli’s petition is REJECTED!
GAVEL SFX: POK!
TWELVE
1: FORTUNATO LEADS SHAKEN MONTRESSOR AWAY FROM COUNCIL – Fortunato himself appears more bemused than shaken.
MONTRESSOR: B-bu-but… Machiavelli did nothing more than tell the TRUTH about how power was wielded in his times—
FORTUNATO: EXACTLY! One of the WORST things you can do in government is be SMARTER than your SUPERIORS!
FORUNTATO: He forgot one of his OWN maxims—
2: CUT BACK TO COUNCIL CHAMBER – SPEAKER BRINGS ANOTHER VOTE TO FLOOR – This one PASSES UNANIMOUSLY, with all sorts of hands shooting up.
PRINCE: It is not, therefore, necessary for a prince to have all the virtues of faith, charity and religion…
SPEAKER: The NEXT BILL would allow us to deduct our MISTRESSES as BUSINESS EXPENSES! All those in favor--?
COUNCILMAN #1: Aye!
COUNCILMAN #2: Aye!
COUNCILMAN #3: Aye! (etc.)
PRINCE: …but it is necessary to seem to have them.
3: FORTUNATO & MONTRESSOR WIND THEIR WAY THROUGH THE CROWDED STREETS OF FLORENCE
FORTUNATO: Guess we’d better find that SERVANT so he can give his master the BAD NEWS…
MONTRESSOR: Wait – isn’t that HIS HOUSE all those people are gathered in FRONT OF-?
4: IN FRONT OF FLORENTINE HOUSE – FORTUNATO & MONTRESSOR TALK TO WEEPING LANDLADY AS BODY (IN DISTANCE) BROUGHT OUT OF FRONT OF HOUSE.
FORTUNATO: What has HAPPENED, signora?
LANDLADY: Poor Signor Machiavelli – he passed from a FEVER as soon as he returned from the PALAZZO VECCHIO! >Sob!<
5: FORTUNATO & MONTRESSOR LOOK DOWN, SHOCKED, AT BODY OF SERVANT FROM PAGE TWO IN STRETCHER!
MONTRESSOR: >GASP!< That BROKEN-DOWN FARMER … HE was the feared Machiavelli?
FORTUNATO: I didn’t even RECOGNIZE him, the old PAPER-PUSHER …
CAPTION: Machiavelli died without ever learning that the Florentine Council OVERWHELMINGLY REFUSED his reinstatement.
CAPTION: And HONEST POLITICIANS have used his name as a PEJORATIVE ever SINCE!
CAPTION: Il finitio
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