Oh No, ROUSSEAU!

"I propose to show my fellows a man as NATURE made him… and this man is MYSELF!"

Oh No, ROUSSEAU!

written by Fred Van Lente drawn by Ryan Dunlavey colored by Adam Guzowski


Script for Action Philosophers: Jean-Jacques Rousseau

PAGE ONE

Panel 1: TV-Shaped panel: Actually this entire story is composed of TV-shaped panels, as we’re doing Rousseau as if he starred a classic three-camera sitcom! This panel shows the title and Rousseau himself, in his Armenian fur gear, giving the camera a Bronx cheer. 

TITLE: OH NO, ROUSSEAU!

THEME SONG: There’s a Swiss / Who just can’t miss / When your brain’s amiss / And you hate your Sis 

Panel 2: Exterior establishing shot of Rousseau’s modest Swiss maison de village. An ever-present ANGRY MOB surrounds it (perhaps in silhouette). 

JAGGED FLOATER: “Oh No, Rousseau” was filmed before a LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE. 

Panel 3: Cut to the interior set of the cottage, which looks like any other sitcom family’s house. Rousseau bursts inside his house, slamming the door behind him to keep the mob at bay. 

ROUSSEAU: Madam Le Vasseur! I’m HOME!   

SFX: CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! WOOOOO!!

ROUSSEAU: Madam Le VASSEUR? 

Panel 4: Close on Rousseau crossing the room. 

ROUSSEAU: I’ve returned from leaving our FIFTH ILLEGITIMATE CHILD at the FOUNDLINGS’ HOSPITAL! 

SFX: HA HA HA HA HA! 

ROUSSEAU: Poor LITTLE ONES… “Man is BORN free; and everywhere he is in CHAINS!”* 

SFX: HA HA HA! 

CAPTION (small): *: J.J.R., On the Social Contract (1762)

Panel 5: Rousseau comes upon his dog, SULTAN (which contemporary sources describe, basically, as a mutt), scratching on the door of the bedroom, trying to get in. 

ROUSSEAU: Where IS that blasted MISTRESS-slash-HOUSEKEEPER of mine? 

SULTAN (SFX): WOOF, WOOF!

ROUSSEAU: What IS it, SULTAN? Is there something in there you want me to SEE, boy? 

SULTAN: WOOF!

Panel 6: Rousseau walks into the bedroom, where his mistress, the aforementioned Thérèse Le Vasseur, who should look like Marlene Dietrich in 18th century French garb, with this air of sexy, droopy-eyed boredom. She has just finished having sex with famed English biographer James Boswell. She is smoking a cigarette, non-plused, under the covers. Boswell, however, is shocked to see Rousseau barge into the room. 

ROUSSEAU: Ah! THERE you are! 

SFX: OOOOOOOOOHHHH…. 

BOSWELL: Monsieur ROUSSEAU!! 

LA VASSEUR: You’re back from the orphanage ALREADY? That was QUICK! 

Panel 7: Rousseau stands angrily over the bed. Boswell has leapt out of bed and is hastily donning his clothing. Le Vasseur continues to smoke in boredom. 

ROUSSEAU: I got in the “TEN CHILDREN OR LESS” line! 

SFX: HA HA HA! 

ROUSSEAU: Is that – famed Scottish biographer JAMES BOSWELL? I wasn’t expecting you to come until next WEEK!

LE VASSEUR: I was starting to expect he wouldn’t come at ALL… 

SFX: WOO! WOO! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! HA HA! 

Panel 8: Boswell clutches his clothes and boots in terror as Rousseau looms over him. 

BOSWELL: Monsieur – Please -- I SWEAR – This ISN’T what it LOOKS like! 

ROUSSEAU: Actually, my dear Boswell, I am MORE concerned with what it DOESN’T look like! 

Panel 9: Rousseau spins out on his heel and marches out of the room. Le Vasseur covers her ears with her hands. Boswell doesn’t know what to make of any of this. (Quote: Dog 110)

ROUSSEAU: It DOESN’T look like Madam Le Vasseur is fixing me a HOT COCOA while I MASTURBATE! 

LE VASSEUR: >Ugh!< T.M.I., Jean-Jacques! 

ROUSSEAU: Bah! “I propose to show my fellows a man AS NATURE MADE HIM”…

ROUSSEAU: …”and this man is MYSELF!”*

SFX: HA HA HA HA HA HA!!

CAPTION (small): *: J.J.R., Confessions (1781)

PAGE TWO

Panel 1: Boswell looks ardently to the bored Le Vasseur. (Quote: Rousseau’s Dog 118)

BOSWELL: So … how WAS I as a lover, dearest Thérèse? 

LE VASSEUR: “Like a BAD RIDER, galloping DOWNHILL!”*

SFX: WOOOOOOOOOOOOO! 

CAPTION (small): *: Actual quote!

Panel 2: A rock smashes through the window, barely missing Boswell! 

SFX: SMASH! 

BOSWELL: EGAD! There are so many ROCKS in this cottage one might mistake it for a QUARRY!

SFX: HA HA HA! 

BOSWELL: What has AGITATED the mob so? 

Panel 3: Close on La Vasseur, filing her nails.  

LE VASSEUR: The POOR are pissed that in asserting that man is essentially GOOD, Jean-Jacques denies the doctrine of ORIGINAL SIN! 

LE VASSEUR: And when he says that it is PERSONAL PROPERTY that CORRUPTS men from their natural goodness by turning SELF-LOVE into PRIDE, the RICH wanna kill him!

LE VASSEUR: And the liberal MIDDLE CLASSES hate him because he says that men may be FORCED to adhere to the GENERAL GOOD! 

Panel 4: A stunned Boswell quizzes Le Vasseur as she files down her nails. 

LE VASSEUR: Or so I’ve been TOLD.

BOSWELL: You mean you’ve never READ The Social Contract? 

LE VASSEUR: Why would I waste my TIME with such RUBBISH?  

BOSWELL: Heloise? 

LE VASSEUR: Helly-CRAP! 

BOSWELL: Discourse on Inequality? 

LE VASSEUR: I’d rather have my pussy SEWN SHUT!  

Panel 5: A baffled Boswell staggers out of the room. (Quote: Dog 111)

BOSWELL: Oh! How can one of the greatest minds of our AGE cohabitate with such a VULGAR and IGNORANT woman?

LE VASSEUR: Jean-Jacques says he loves me because “My mind is what nature MADE it”…  

LE VASSEUR: … AND I’m a DYNAMO in the SACK!  

SFX: HA HA HA HA HA! 

Panel 6: Boswell pleads with Rousseau, who is reading in a chair in the main room, Sultan asleep at his feet. (Quotes on Britain: Dog 43)

BOSWELL: Monsieur, Switzerland has become TOO DANGEROUS for you! Let me take you to ENGLAND! 

ROUSSEAU: Why? “I know that the English CONGRATULATE themselves on their HUMANITY and the GOOD NATURE of the nation…”

ROUSSEAU: “…but much as they might proclaim this, nobody else REPEATS it for them!”*

SFX: HA HA HA HA!! 

CAPTION (small): *: J.J.R., Émile; or, on Education (1762)

Panel 7: Close on Boswell as smoke drifts in front the side of the panel… He sniffs…

ROUSSEAU (OFF): “The English people THINK they are free… They are BADLY mistaken!” 

ROUSSEAU (OFF): “They are free when they elect members of PARLIAMENT; as soon as those are elected, the electorate are ENSLAVED.”*

BOSWELL: sniff, sniff!

CAPTION (small): *: Social Contract

Panel 8: Boswell looks out the window in shock. Le Vasseur appears beside him, smoking. She is butt naked, her naughty bits grayed out with DOTS. 

BOSWELL: My WORD! The mob has built a HUGE BONFIRE of your BOOKS! 

LE VASSEUR: And here I thought they were only good for DOORSTOPS! I’ll get the MARSHMALLOWS! 

SFX: HA HA HA HA HA!!

MORE

NINETEEN CON’D (2)

Panel 9: Close on Boswell pleading with Rousseau, who just gets angry. 

BOSWELL: PLEASE, M. Rousseau, I will GIFT you the money to FLEE!

ROUSSEAU: You most certainly will NOT! I’d rather be BURNED AT THE STAKE than accept ONE FRANC I had not EARNED!

LE VASSEUR (OFF): I’LL get the MARSHMALLOWS!

SFX: HA HA HA!!

PAGE THREE

Panel 1: Le Vasseur appears beside the desperate Boswell. (Quote: Dog 46)

BOSWELL: But THINK about all your writings still have to offer MANKIND-- 

ROUSSEAU (OFF): “Mankind DISGUSTS me! My housekeeper tells me that I am in FAR better humor on the days when I have been ALONE!” 

LA VASSEUR: I ALSO said I’D be in a far better humor on the day he was DEAD!

SFX: HA HA HA HA!!  

Panel 2: Boswell rubs his chin in classic, “sitcom character has crazy scheme” mode… 

BOSWELL: ALONE, eh? Hmmm… 

BOSWELL: That gives me an IDEA… 

BOSWELL: …and it’s so CRAZY, it might just WORK! 

SFX: CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! 

Panel 3: Stat Page Eighteen, Panel 1

JAGGED FLOATER: “Oh No, Rousseau” will be RIGHT BACK, after THESE MESSAGES… 

Panel 4: In a scene from a different show, OG THE CAVEMAN erects a fence around his cave. (Quote: Bartlett’s 358)

JAGGED FLOATER: “The first man who, having FENCED IN a piece of land, said:”

OG: “This is MINE!” 

Panel 5: Og has bashed in the head of a man who tried to trespass across his fence; the man is draped over the fence, half in the property, half out. 

JAGGED FLOATER: “And found people naïve enough to BELIEVE him…”

JAGGED FLOATER: “…THAT man was the TRUE founder of CIVIL SOCIETY!”*

CAPTION (small): *: J.J.R., Discourse on the Origin and Basis of Inequality Among Men (1754)

Panel 6: Og flashes the thumb’s up sign with the Biography logo behind him.

JAGGED FLOATER: OG, Founder of Civil Society: TONIGHT at EIGHT EASTERN on “BIOGRAPHY!”

Panel 7: Stat Page Eighteen, Panel 2: Rousseau’s cottage. 

ROUSSEAU (in house): BACK, you rabble! Just let me BE! >Groan!< 

Panel 8: Stat Page Eighteen, Panel 3: Rousseau returns (again).

ROUSSEAU: Thérèse! I’ve returned from handing out RIBBONS to the PREGNANT VILLAGE GIRLS to remind them to BREAST-FEED their babies! 

SFX: HA HA HA HA HA HA!!

ROUSSEAU: That IS nature’s way, after a—

Panel 9: Rousseau quakes in terror as a shadow falls across him. 

“GATES” (OFF): Jean-Jacques Rousseau!! 

ROUSSEAU: Mon Dieu! 

ROUSSEAU: Who – or WHAT – are YOU?! 

PAGE FOUR

Panel 1: Rousseau is confronted by Boswell, who has dressed himself up in a cardboard ROBOT costume – made from cardboard barrels and tubes and the like – and he’s crudely drawn BILL GATES’ face on the front. 

“GATES”: My name is BILL GATES! In FOUR HUNDRED YEARS my “DIFFERENCE ENGINES” will make me the RICHEST OVERLORD in the GALAXY!  

“GATES”: Only YOU can solve all the problems of the 21st CENTURY! I will pay you a generous STIPEND to live in SOLITUDE in my kingdom of SEA-AT-TULL! 

Panel 2: “Gates” tries to put a sack over Rousseau’s head. He’s written “TIME SACK” on it. 

GATES: All you need to do is to come back to the FUTURE with me inside my TIME SACK—

ROUSSEAU: What are you doing? Get off of me!

SFX: HA HA HA HA!!

Panel 3: A rock flies through the window and knocks “Gates” in the head! 

SFX: CRASH!

SFX: BONK!

BOSWELL: Ugh!

Panel 4: Boswell falls insensate to the floor, his mask falling off and revealing his identity. Rousseau is not amused. 

BOSWELL (small): Ohhhh … Dr. JOHNSON? Is that YOU…?

ROUSSEAU: Monsieur BOSWELL! I might have KNOWN! 

ROUSSEAU: How many times do I have to TELL you? I WILL not accept your CHARITY—

SFX (OFF): WOOF, WOOF! 

Panel 5: Close on Sultan, who is dressed up in a cute little UNION JACK doggie costume and a Scottish highlander doggie cap.

ROUSSEAU (OFF): What’s--? SULTAN! 

SULTAN SFX: WOOF, WOOF!

ROUSSEAU (OFF): Ohhhh… How ADORABLE you look! 

MORE

TWENTY-ONE, CON’D

Panel 6: Rousseau leans down and pets Sultan. 

ROUSSEAU: Does this mean you want to go with DADDY into EXILE in ENGLAND?

SULTAN: WOOF, WOOF!

ROUSSEAU: How can I say NO to such a cute little FUR BABY? 

Panel 7: Le Vasseur helps up Boswell, who has a big bump on his head.

ROUSSEAU (OFF): GOOD NEWS, Thérèse! We’re going to ENGLAND! 

BOSWELL: All you had to do was to sew a CUTE DOGGIE COSTUME?

LE VASSEUR: Haven’t you NOTICED?

LE VASSEUR: For a GENIUS, Jean-Jacques is kind of an IDIOT! 

Panel 8: Le Vasseur, Boswell, and Rousseau (holding a barking Sultan) throw back their heads and laugh. However, the whole house is now ON FIRE. 

LE VASSEUR, BOSWEEL, ROUSSEAU (1 balloon, 3 pointers): HA HA HA HA HA!!

SULTAN SFX: WOOF, WOOF!

SFX: HA HA!! CLAP!! CLAP!! WOO-WOO! 

Panel 9: Stat previous panel, except the words “EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Fred Van Lente & Ryan Dunlavey” are superimposed over it.

THEME SONG: There’s a Swiss / Who just can’t miss / When your brain’s amiss / And you hate your Sis 

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