The (Mostly) Saintly ST AUGUSTINE!

written by Fred Van Lente drawn by Ryan Dunlavey colored by Adam Guzowski

Script for ACTION PHILOSOPHER #42: ST. AUGUSTINE! 

Script by Fred Van Lente

ACTION PHILOSOPHERS created by Ryan Dunlavey & Fred Van Lente & © 2004 them. All Rights Reserved, you punk-ass bitches. 

ONE

Panel 1: BIG INTRO PANEL: NAKED AUGUSTINE UNDER COVERS WITH LOTS OF SEXY NAKED BABES: raising a sloshed wine bottle up to the reader. 

More freakin’ picture reference on Augustine than you possibly can stand may be found at: http://ccat.sas.upenn.edu/jod/augustine/ Frankly, just because it will piss people off, I think we should model our versions of Auggie and St. Monica (his mom) after this stained glass window from Washington DC’s St. Augustine Roman Catholic Church.  (Yet note how dark-skinned Auggie looks in the oldest surviving portrait of him at the top of the U Penn “images” page.) 

Maybe he should look like Donato Giancola. Only with a flatter nose, slightly darker-skinned (but I’ve noticed you seem to avoid using tones in skin color in your B&W comics work, which I think is wise). 

CAPTION (BIG): Does THIS MAN look like a SAINT to you?! 

CAPTION: He sure looks like Action Philosopher #42:

LOGO: ST. AUGUSTINE!!

CREDITS: Written (thanks to GRACE) by Fred Van Lente!
Drawn (of his own FREE WILL) Ryan Dunlavey!

Panel 2: In a town square in Carthage, MONICA wrings her hands in worry while Auggie has a Tex Avery moment – big eyes, wolf ears, tongue lolling out – at the site of a Roman strumpet walking by.  (Keep in mind that in these days North Africa was largely a ROMAN COLONY, so people will be dressed in the Roman style.) 

CAPTION: Born in A.D. 354 in what is now Souk-Ahras, Algeria, AURELIUS AUGUSTINE was raised a CHRISTIAN by his devout mother, MONICA. But her Faith didn’t stick—at FIRST. For one THING, his raging hormones weren’t interested… 

AUGUSTINE: “Give me CHASTITY and CONTINENCE…

AUGUSTINE: “…just not NOW!”* (Homina, homina!) 

CAPTION (sl):*: St. A., CONFESSIONS (A.D. 400)

TWO

Panel 1: Augustine in bed with same sexy strumpet. She’s asleep, he’s awake, lost in thought. 

CAPTION: …and neither was his RAGING INTELLECT! 

AUGUSTINE (thought bubble): Christianity contains too many CONTRADICTIONS. Mother says that God is not only GOOD but goodness ITSELF…

Panel 2: In Roman-type market, Augustine watches a sleazy thief run off with an armful of plateware from a bazaar stall. The merchant chases angrily after him. 

AUGUSTINE (thought bubble): …but how could this SAME God also create the WICKED WILL that allows people to do EVIL? Wouldn’t he want EVERYONE to be good – and then just MAKE them that way from birth? 

AUGUSTINE (thought bubble): Christians THEMSELVES can’t even agree on the most BASIC TENTS of their own religion! 

Panel 3: BIG PANEL: MARKETPLACE: FIVE CHRISTIAN STREET PREACHERS ARGUE: Each only slightly different than the next. If you can fit him in, show Augustine waltzing contemptuously past. 

CAPTION: Only a few centuries old, Christianity was still in a MOLTEN state. Its formal DOGMA had yet to SOLIDIFY, and proliferating sects were LEGION.  

PREACHER #1: You DARE promote your DONATISM over my ARIANISM? We teach that God the FATHER is the ONLY true God -- Jesus and the Holy Spirit are merely His CREATIONS! 

PREACHER #2: We ADOPTIONISTS would have you BURNT AT THE STAKE for such BLASPHEMY! Christ was a MAN, imbued with the SPIRIT of God! 

PREACHER #3: Heed the wisdom of NESTORIANISM, infidels! Christ is TWO ENTITIES, one divine, the other HUMAN! 

PREACHER #4: FALSE PROPHET! Christ has ONE NATURE -- Divine! ALL adherents to MONOPHYSITISM know this! 

PREACHER #5 (the nerdiest): Um, we MONOTHELITES would like to humbly assert that Christ has ONE WILL but TWO NATURES, but, uh, he CLEAVES toward the DIVINE. 

AUGUSTINE: Whatever THAT means! >Pfffft!< CALL ME when you get your STORIES STRAIGHT... Losers! [Last line optional; only if you can fit Auggie in]

(MORE)TWO, CON’D

Panel 4: Augustine listens appreciatively to a MANICHEAN ELECT as he preaches in the marketplace.  I’ve Googled my brains out and cannot find any single scrap of visual evidence to indicate what a Manichean “Elect” (or Primates Manichaeorum for you Latin speakers) is supposed to look like, historically. So let’s creative: divide the elect like that Frank Gorshin alien from the original Star Trek, where one half of his face is black and the other is white … and he’s wearing robe with white/black on the opposite sides.

CAPTION: Instead, Augustine drifted toward pagan MANICHAEISM. 

ELECT: Friends, how can GOOD exist without EVIL? How could we see the LIGHT if it did not pierce the DARK? And is it not SUNSHINE that causes SHADOWS to fall? 

ELECT: The teachings of great MANI reveal this and much, much MORE! 

THREE

Panel 1: Mani – A giggling maniac, writing down his mythology while languishing, Wizard of Id-style in chains in a Persian dungeon. 

CAPTION: The Iraqi mystic MANI, a.k.a. “The ILLUSTRIOUS One,” synthesized various kibbles & bits of Buddhism, Babylonian mythology and Zoroastrian DUALISM into a philosophy that spread like WILDFIRE throughout Europe, Asia and the Middle East in the THIRD CENTURY. 

CAPTION: He became SO powerful that the PERSIAN EMPIRE outlawed the sect and imprisoned its founder. Though Mani died in CHAINS in 277, Manichaeism continued to flourish as one of Christianity’s BIGGEST COMPETITORS. 

SFX: Hee, hee, hee…

Panel 2: MOVING INTO SERIOUS JACK KIRBY-NEW GODS MODE HERE: Lots of crazy armor, swarms of black dots and pointless hi-tech machinery. IN THIS SCENE: the border between the world of light and darkness. Straddling the center is the a small souvenir stand with a postcard rack, managed by drowsy codger. Sign on top of stand reads “1 FINITE POINT IN UNIVERSE GIFT SHOP” Smaller sign reads: “Restrooms for customers ONLY!” 

CAPTION: Mani taught that in the beginning the universe was divided into a Realm of LIGHT and a realm of DARKNESS. Each was infinite in ALL directions save ONE, which was where the two realms MET. 

Panel 3: KING OF DARKNESS, big Darkseid-looking dude with a big sword, bounds through his kingdom, his footfalls creating big trembling “THOOMS” wherever he goes. 

CAPTION: All might have remained PEACEFUL in this “duoverse” FOREVER, except… 

DARKNESS KING: My dark domain would be PERFECT NIGHT were it not for the galling GLOW seeping in from the accursed kingdom of LIGHT! 

FOOTFALLS SFX: THOOM! THOOM! THOOM! 

Panel 4: KING OF LIGHT, a dead-ringer for Odin/Highfather, stands defiantly before his throne as he hears the Dark King’s approach. 

SFX (OFF IN DISTANCE): THOOM! THOOM!

LIGHT KING: HARK! The fearsome footfalls of the DARKNESS KING doth approach!    

LIGHT KING: Verily, a HERO must rise and VANQUISH the master of malfeasance before he spoils mine LUMINESCENT LAND! 

FOUR 

Panel 1: The King of Light shoots out craggly, dotty energy from his hands and FIRSTMAN, a New Gods-type superhero, springs forth. 

LIGHT KING: I have imbued thee with the POWER FLUORESCENT! Go forth and claim the BATTLE that is thy BIRTHRIGHT, FIRSTMAN!  

LIGHT KING (BIG): SO COMMANDS THE LORD OF LIGHT!! 

Panel 2: Firstman confronts Dark King at the souvenir stand on the border.

FIRSTMAN: HAVE AT THEE, Villain! Yon evil schemes shalt never mar the Land of Light while FIRSTMAN draws breath! 

Panel 3: Dark King non-chalantly chops Firstman’s head off with his sword! 

DARK KING: Whatever you SAY, pretty boy...  

Panel 4: Happy elf-midgets in Land of Light, one of which has binoculars, relates this sorry scene to the morose Light King, who buries his face in his hands. 

ELF: Daaaaaamn! The Dark King’s FEEDING Firstman to his SONS, yo! They’re gettin’ powers TOO! That’s just WRONG …

LIGHT KING: D’OH! Why does this belief system have to be so damn DUALISTIC? In a POLYTHEISTIC multiverse he could go ruin some OTHER cosmic entity’s day! But no, it’s just HIM and ME.

LIGHT KING: Where’d Firstloser’s SONS go? 

FIVE

Panel 1: BIG PANEL: In classic “two-rows-of-heroes-villains-line-up-to-do-battle-on-the-cover” fashion, the Sons of Light and the Sons of Darkness duke it out. Their names are in the captions below…they should have Kirby-esque superhero costumes/armor appropriate to their names. 

CAPTION: And so the SONS of Firstman did battle with their diametric OPPOSITES among the brood of the King of DARKNESS. 

VARIOUS CAPTIONS IDENTIFY THE CHARACTERS: 

Panel 2: AFTER THE BATTLE: Bodies lie all over the border, totally obscuring it. The souvenir stand is in ruins. 

CAPTION: The Sons of Light WON, and the vanquished corpses of the sons of DARKNESS became the MATTER that formed the heavens and the EARTH. 

Panel 3: A normal-looking NAKED GUY struggles up from the muck and the flies buzzing around the body. 

CAPTION: Since HUMANS came out of that MATTER, we’re made out of the STUFF of Darkness – EVIL! SIX 

Panel 1: UNDER A MICROSCOPE, we see happy smiling suns of light in between nasty, hairy, fanged cells of EVIL! 

CAPTION: But don’t forget that the sons of darkness ATE Firstman before they were slaughtered. So all matter – including HUMANS – are festooned with particles of LIGHT! 

Panel 2: Augustine looks excitedly up from the microscope.  He’s surrounded by books. 

AUGUSTINE: I see … so a man must keep his body FREE of the pollution of MATTER, so his LIGHT PARTICLES can merge with the REALM of light upon the body’s DEMISE! 

Panel 3: On a hillside, before a fig tree, Manichean Elect waves his arms around madly as Augustine listens. 

CAPTION: Augustine spent nine years as an AUDITOR, or “Hearer,” at the feet of the Manichean “ELECT.” 

ELECT: Never put MEAT or MILK or anything else that comes from an ANIMAL into your body! That’s MATTER! It’s EVIL! 

ELECT: You must not ever have CHILDREN! That’s just promulgating more MATTER! It’s EVIL! 

Panel 4: Augustine looks dejected as another sexy babe walks by. 

ELECT (OFF): In fact, never have SEX again! Hot, sweaty MATTER on top of hot, sweaty matter? That’s like a WAL-MART OF EVIL!!!  

AUGUSTINE (thought): Drat. 

Panel 5: Augustine bombards the Elect with questions. 

CAPTION: Though he was a DEVOUT Hearer, Augustine’s brain never shut itself OFF. He was CONSUMED by the CONTRADICTIONS of his Faith: 

AUGUSTINE: They say that only the TEETH OF THE ELECT can release the LIGHT imprisoned in fruit, so why do the Hearers have to eat it TOO? 

AUGUSTINE: No NATURAL SCIENTISTS have ever found these “light particles” in our bodies, so how can you be sure they exist?

Panel 6: The Elect directs Augustine to FAUSTUS, a smooth-talking Elect in a ZOOT SUIT who spins a pocketwatch on a fob; he’s leaning against the fig tree. 

ELECT: I have no doubt our learned Bishop FAUSTUS can answer ALL your questions, Auditor! 

SEVEN 

Panel 1: Augustine gestures to the fig tree behind Faustus. 

AUGUSTINE: Mani says that picking figs to eat is tantamount to SLAYING them and therefore EVIL. So, to stay PURE, the Elect must have their food picked FOR them. 

AUGUSTINE: But simple LOGIC dictates that forcing OTHERS to do evil on your behalf is itself EVIL! 

Panel 2: Grinning Faustus takes Augustine aside and whispers in his ear: Augustine is crushed. 

FAUSTUS: Look, you seem like a BRIGHT KID, so I’m not gonna B.S. you: I CAN’T explain that discrepancy… 

FAUSTUS (whisper): …but since most people are too STUPID to understand HALF the stuff you talk about, who CARES? Keep it SIMPLE: stick with the good-versus-evil stuff, and people die happy … and UNCONFUSED. Ya dig?  

Panel 3: A dejected Augustine slinks away from the fig tree, with Faustus and the Elect in the background. 

CAPTION: Augustine was so DEMORALIZED by his encounter with Faustus that he GAVE UP being a Manichean… In fact, he gave up RELIGION altogether! 

Panel 4: Augustine teaches a group of evil (devil-horned) kid lawyers how to lie…we’re in Roman Empire-era Italy now. 

CAPTION: In A.D. 383, Augustine moved to ITALY and became a much sought-after teacher of RHETORIC, instructing the young HELLIONS of Roman aristocracy how to TWIST the truth to their advantage through a cunning use of LANGUAGE.

Panel 5: Augustine’s asshole students slip out the back door, stinging their tongues out and giving him Bronx cheers. He opens up his change purse… and a moth flies out! 

CAPTION: As skilled as he WAS, it was still a STRUGGLE. It was quite common in those days for students to DROP a class right before TUITION was due – and continue their coursework with ANOTHER instructor across town! EIGHT

Panel 1: Augustine mopes in the courtyard garden of a modest Italian estate. (In Confessions, St. A. says he “flung myself down beneath a fig tree and gave way to the tears which now streamed from my eyes.”[177])

CAPTION: Augustine’s HEART grew as empty as his POCKETBOOK. In September of 386 he found himself in the garden of his home DESPAIRING that his excessively analytical mind prevented him from believing in ANYTHING. 

AUGUSTINE: How long shall I go on saying, “tomorrow, tomorrow?” Why not NOW? Why not-- 

Panel 2: CLOSE UP – Augustine looks up, suddenly inspired as he hears a VOICE coming to him over the side of the wall of the courtyard! 

CAPTION: When SUDDENLY-- 

CHILD’S VOICE [italic and ethereal]: Take it and read, take it and read…

AUGUSTINE: ?

Panel 3: The villa next door—We see the silhouette of a child (gender unknown) pestering a parent. Also make sure we can see the courtyard to Augustine’s house to. 

CAPTION: Augustine later wrote, “Whether it was the voice of a boy or a girl I cannot say, but again and again it repeated the refrain:” 

CHILD: Take it and read, take it and read! 

AUGUSTINE (in courtyard, but not visible to us): ?

Panel 4: Augustine glances down on a bench in the garden beside him … there’s a BIBLE on it! 

CHILD (OFF): Take it and read, take it and read… 

NINE

Panel 1: BIG PANEL – ANGLE UP – AUGUSTINE PICKS UP BIBLE – HIS HAIR BLOWN BACK – SUPERIMPOSED BEHIND HIM ARE THE WORDS OF SCRIPTURE HE SEES (Romans 13-14): 

NOT IN reveling and drunkenness, not in lust and wantonness, not in quarrels and rivalries. Rather, arm yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ; spend no more thought on nature and nature’s appetites. 

CAPTION: “In an instant, as I came to the end of the sentence, it was as though the light of CONFIDENCE flooded into my heart and all the darkness of DOUBT was DISPELLED.” 

Panel 2: REVERSE OF PAGE SEVEN, PANEL 5: Augustine quietly slips out the book door of his Rhetoric Classroom. His students are so busy being bad they don’t notice him leave. [182]

CAPTION: Augustine took the Bible passage quite LITERALLY. He IMMEDIATELY gave up his job “selling the services of his tongue.” 

Panel 3: Augustine excitedly engages in debate with Monica and others in a different and much more LAVISH garden courtyard than the one he was in before. 

CAPTION: Instead he planned to live a life of PURE REASON, in pursuit of truth. Augustine retreated to a friend’s country estate outside MILAN where he held INFORMAL debate sessions with his friends and relatives – his MOTHER among them! 

AUGUSTINE: My ERROR is so OBVIOUS now, Mama! I was asking the WRONG QUESTION! It is not “Why is there EVIL?” 

Panel 4: CU – AUGUSTINE – Reaching this revelation.

AUGUSTINE: No, the CORRECT question is…

AUGUSTINE: …”Why is there GOOD?” 

TEN

Panel 1: Adam in Eden. Filling up the horizon is God’s face…he looks exactly like Adam. 

CAPTION: “GOOD is just another way of saying ‘what GOD wants us to do.’ But only in EDEN was man’s FREE WILL perfectly IN SYNCH with his Creator’s – Adam’s WANTS were the same as God’s!” 

Panel 2: Adam cast out from Eden with Eve … they are trudging through BLINDING RAIN. They look back, and the glowing garden RECEDES in the distance…

CAPTION: “After our expulsion from the Garden, we became SEPARATED from the Lord. Since evil is, in essence, the ABSENCE of God, after our FALL FROM GRACE it became the most COMMON thing on Earth!” 

Panel 3: WALL STREET: YUPPIE looks confusing as a bum with a cardboard sign holds up hand to him. Yuppie’s head is clouded with QUESTION MARKS. 

CAPTION: “Today Adam’s SONS AND DAUGHTERS are lost in MORAL CONFUSION. We no longer INSTINCTUALLY know the GOOD.” 

BUM: [picture of quarter in word balloon]

YUPPIE:??? 

Panel 4: SAME SHOT: Glowing light – a glimpse of Eden, appears behind the bum, entrancing the Yuppie! He’s entranced! 

CAPTION: “In fact, we CANNOT do good without an INVITATION FROM GOD – His GRACE, which He sends to us because He WANTS us to be saved!”

CAPTION: “Though human will is perfectly CAPABLE of resisting God, Grace is so ENTICING because it reminds us of our original home, EDEN, that no one ever DOES!” 

Panel 5: BACK TO THE GARDEN: Auggie’s mom raises a point.  

MONICA: But if humanity cannot RESIST Grace, and it is GOD who chooses WHO to give Grace TO, it is the LORD who decides who is saved, NOT individual humans. How can THAT be called FREE WILL? 

AUGUSTINE: With all due respect, Mother, you fail to take into account an obvious point:  ELEVEN

Panel 1: God looks down and sees four multiple images, from left to right: 1.) Yuppie kisses bum; 2.) Yuppie drops quarter in bum’s palm; 3.) Yuppie sticks his nose in the air and turns away and ignores him; 4.) Yuppie guns bum down in cold blood! (Number them like this too.)

CAPTION: “GOD IS NOT HUMAN! He is not bound by OUR perception of LINEAR cause and effect. God can see ALL the possible variations of a particular act. To Him, all human beings possess an INFINITE capacity for good or evil!” 

Panel 2: God singles out panel/possibility #2: Yuppie gives quarter to bum. 

CAPTION: “But the POSSIBLE is not the ACTUAL! An INFALLIBLE God already KNOWS what your FREE WILL decided to CHOOSE.”   

Panel 3: BIG PANEL: GOD LOOKS OUT OVER THE FLAT PLANE OF HUMAN HISTORY … Which appears to us to be like a FLOW CHART. Glowing dots of GRACE appear here and there on the map. 

CAPTION: “He KNOWS this because God is OUTSIDE TIME! Before He created the world, He saw ALL the Graces and WHERE and WHEN and to WHOM they were presented.”

CAPTION: “So while God remains the undisputed MASTER of men’s wills – our CHOICES remain our OWN!” 

Panel 4: Monica hugs and kisses Auggie; he’s mortified! 

MONICA: Oooh, you’ve got it all FIGURED OUT, Auggie! I’m so PROUD of you! >SMAK!<

AUGUSTINE: MAAAA… How many times do I have to TELL YOU… Not in front of the other THEOLOGIANS… >Grumble…<

TWELVE

Panel 1: Ambrose is baptized by St. Ambrose. (In the left hand bar, click on “life”>> “His conversion period” … Check out the top painting.) 

CAPTION: The Bishop of Milan, ST. AMBROSE, baptized Augustine at the beginning of LENT in 387. 

CAPTION: He sold ALL his worldly possessions and planned to lead a life of PRAYER and THOUGHT…but Fate had OTHER plans. 

Panel 2: The death of St. Monica – Augustine, now dressed like a MONK, weeps by her bedside. 

CAPTION: Augustine’s mother died mere MONTHS after his baptism. Perhaps not COINCIDENTALLY, soon thereafter he returned to MOTHER AFRICA … specifically HIPPO, a city in what is now TUNISIA. 

CAPTION: Monica would later be CANONIZED along with her son as the patron saint of ABUSED WIVES (Auggie’s dad was a PAGAN). 

Panel 3: Ordination of Augustine. Inside a cathedral he gets the fancy hat and robes he’s picture in in many, many future works of art. 

CAPTION: Already FAMOUS for the writings that he had produced during his SOLITUDE outside Milan, Augustine was persuaded by the local faithful to be ORDAINED into the priesthood. 

CAPTION: In 396 he was elected BISHOP OF HIPPO, the most important see in Africa, an office he would hold for the next thirty-four years! 

Panel 4: A sobbing-with-joy Manichean ELECT (with the split faces) bear hugs a shocked St. Augustine in the middle of a televised (US president-style) debate. 

CAPTION: Bishop Augustine specialized in the eradication of HERESY through REASON. His ORATORICAL SKILLS quickly became LEGENDARY. 

CAPTION: At the climax of his debate with the Manichean FELIX in 404, the Elect was so PERSUADED by the bishop’s words that he CONVERTED on the SPOT!

Panel 5: BOXING REF holds up Augustine’s victorious glove while a furious Pelagian (Another STREET PREACHER from Page Two) lies unconscious.  

CAPTION: His system of DIVINE GRACE put the kibosh on the PELAGIAN heresies, which DENIED the existence of ORIGINAL SIN!

REFEREE: The Winnnnnnnnnah—AUGUSTINE!

THIRTEEN

Panel 1: DISTRICT OF BROKEN DOWN SECT BUILDINGS – Boarded up with “OUT OF BUSINESS” or “CONVERTED TO CATHOLIC” signs on them. Make sure over the top are the names of sects mentioned on Page 2 … Make sure “MANICHEANISM” and “PELAGISM” is among them. 

CAPTION: Thanks to Augustine’s reasoned explication of theology and dogma, the various competing sects fell into disrepair, and the Church of Rome that the Bishop of Hippo represented – which became known as the “CATHOLIC”, or “GENERAL” Church, grew ever stronger! 

Panel 2: An army of Goth-like VANDALS surround the city of Hippo, spray painting “AUGGIE SUCKS” on the wall and throwing toilet paper over the turrets (and egging the guards). Ha, ha, me write subtle jokes. Me funny.

CAPTION: Augustine battled heresy LITERALLY to his dying days. While he passed away in 430, the VANDALS, adherents of ARIANISM (see P.2), were LAYING SIEGE to Hippo! 

Panel 3: A Page Two street preacher is BURIED under a mountain of Augustine’s books. 

CAPTION: One of the most PROLIFIC thinkers ever, Augustine refuted competing sects like the DONATISTS (which held that only the MORALLY PURE could become PRIESTS) with over ONE THOUSAND SEPARATE WORKS on Christian thought and church doctrine! 

PREACHER (sl): Ohhhh…!!

CAPTION: After his canonization, he became the patron saint of BREWERS (for his formerly wild ways) and, of course, THEOLOGIANS… 

Panel 4: MODERN-DAY CATHOLIC GIRLS’ SCHOOL: A NUN addresses the class. 

NUN: …but MOST IMPORTANTLY, he is known as the GREATEST of the Church FATHERS.  His FEAST DAY is AUGUST 28^th.   

NUN: Now Mary, can you EXPLAIN what we LEARNED today?  FOURTEEN

Panel 1: A Catholic schoolgirl and nun. 

SCHOOLGIRL: Uh…we do GOOD THINGS because God PERSUADES us with Grace, even though we’re not consciously AWARE of it? 

NUN: Right. 

Panel 2: Same shot; girl touches chin, struggling with concept. 

SCHOOLGIRL: Except…God GAVE us the Grace in the first place because he KNEW beforehand we would PAY ATTENTION to it. 

NUN: Exactly! 

Panel 3: Same shot; the nun claps her hands together in glee. 

SCHOOLGIRL: That’s because…of all infinite possible universes, THIS ONE is what God, using HIS Free Will, CHOSE to create, with THESE outcomes. 

NUN: Yes, yes! Well DONE! 

Panel 4: Same shot; schoolgirl hesitantly asks a question. 

SCHOOLGIRL: But…why if GOD has Free Will, then why did He choose THIS universe, and not one of the OTHER possible universes where GOOD people didn’t get Grace and BAD people got saved? 

SCHOOLGIRL: I mean, if EVERYONE has infinite potential for GOOD, it seems UNFAIR for Him to single SOME people out over OTHERS. 

Panel 5: Same shot; nun glowers at schoolgirl. 

NO COPY

Panel 6: The schoolgirl is over the nun’s knee, skirt up, getting a paddling! 

NUN: Know which universe you’re in NOW, smart-mouth?

NUN: The universe of PAIN!!

SCHOOLGIRL: WAAAAA! Why God? WHY?  

CAPTION: AMEN! 

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