CONFUCIUS On A Rampage!
Though known in the west as Confucius this legendary Chinese thinker is better known in his native land as MASTER KONG!
written by Fred Van Lente drawn by Ryan Dunlavey colored by Adam Guzowski
Script for Action Philosophers: Confucius
Script by Fred Van Lente
ACTION PHILOSOPHERS created by Ryan Dunlavey & Fred Van Lente & © tm 2005 them. All Rights Reserved.
PAGE ONE
Panel 1: Big panel in the style of the original KING KONG poster depicting a giant CONFUCIUS. As to which will be funnier – showing a giant Kong in Chinese robes or just a 50-foot philosopher – I leave to your able judgment.
CAPTION: Though known in the West as CONFUCIUS (551-479 BC), this legendary Chinese thinker is better known in his native land as KONGZI, which literally translates to…
TITLE (BIG): MASTER KONG!
Panel 2: For purposes of this story, we will be doing the whole story of the original King Kong, except done by Chinese in 1930’s dress. In this shot, The lookout in the mast of a Chinese junk points excitedly toward:
CAPTION: What little is known of Confucius’ life suggests he served as a shi, or middle-class RETAINER, during China’s “Days of Spring and Autumn” (800-400 BC)…
CAPTION: …when petty TRIBAL KINGS warred over the fragments of the collapsed ZHOU dynasty.
Panel 3: SKULL ISLAND emerges out of the mists in the distance!
CAPTION: These FEUDAL THUGS were eager to add legitimacy and respectability to their reigns by learning the court etiquette and diplomatic protocol of the LOST EMPIRE from iterant scholars like Confucius.
Panel 4: The (Chinese) natives grab Fay Wray Lee from the filmmakers as they step ashore.
CAPTION: Confucius’s teachings were collected in the “FIVE CLASSICS”, which ultimately became THE national standard of TRADITIONAL Chinese ethics.
CAPTION: As early as 136 BC, the Five Classics were MANDATORY READING for ALL would-be civil servants.
PAGE TWO
Panel 1: Our Chinese Fay Wray is strapped to posts.
CAPTION: Central to Confucian thought is the idea that the Mandate of TIAN (“Heaven”) is the same as MORAL GOOD …
CAPTION: …but only through HUMAN AGENCY may that mandate be actualized here on Earth!
Panel 2: Here comes Master Kong to grab his woman oh, SNAP!
CAPTION: Thus, Confucianism is fundamentally DIDACTIC, reinforcing AESTHETIC, MORAL and SOCIAL order via LI, or ritual propriety.
CAPTION: GOOD MANNERS, for instance, satisfy all THREE forms of order:
CAPTION: They LOOK good (aesthetic), and they make YOU feel good (moral) because they make OTHERS feel good (social)!
Panel 3: The filmmakers bomb Master Kong with tear gas! He teeters, falling…
CAPTION: Keeping in mind this idea of CONTINUITY of ORDER, then, it should come as no surprise to learn that Confucius upheld OBEDIENCE TO ONE’S ELDERS (xiao, or “filial piety”) as the HIGHEST VIRTUE.
Panel 4: Exterior of GRAUMANN’S CHINESE THEATER in Hollywood (Get it? Get it?).
CAPTION: In the first book of his Analects Confucius writes, “Observe what a person has in mind to do when his father is ALIVE, and then observe what he does when his father is DEAD.”
CAPTION: “If, for THREE YEARS, he makes NO changes to his father's ways, he can be said to be a GOOD SON.”
PAGE THREE
Panel 1: Producer shows off Master Kong on stage, properly chained to a platform.
CAPTION: There’s a TRICKLE-DOWN EFFECT to all this filial piety: A good son will be a good father and likewise raise a good son.
CAPTION: A good MONARCH will allow his GOODNESS to flow out to his SUBJECTS.
Panel 2: The cameraman’s flashbulbs get in Kong’s eyes, enraging him!
CAPTION: Thus MORAL FORCE (de) is CONTAGIOUS.
Panel 3: Kong breaks free of his restraints! The crowd flees in panic! He’s got our Chinese Fay Wray in his grip. (Quote: Analects 4:10)
CAPTION: The “PROFOUND MAN” (junzi) exerts de, therefore manifests VIRTUE (jen), therefore fulfills Tian:
CAPTION: “The profound man … does not set his mind either FOR anything, or AGAINST anything; what is RIGHT he will FOLLOW,” writes Confucius.
Panel 4: Kong on top of a giant pagoda, knocking away biplanes.
CAPTION: But the xiaoren, the SMALL MAN, he’s not with the program:
CAPTION: “The profound man understands what is MORAL; the small man understands what is PROFITABLE.” (Analects 4:16)
CAPTION: “What the profound man seeks is in HIMSELF. What the SMALL man seeks is in OTHERS.” (15:20)
Panel 5: Kong lies dead, riddled with bullets, in the street.
CAPTION: So you see?
CAPTION: It SUCKS when the SMALL MAN wins.
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