PLATO: Pro Wrestler Goes Academic!

written by Fred Van Lente drawn by Ryan Dunlavey colored by Adam Guzowski

ACTION PHILOSOPHERS: PLATO!
by Fred Van Lente (script) and Ryan Dunlavey (art).

PAGE ONE
PANEL ONE: BIG, SPLASH PANEL: PLATO DRESSED LIKE A MASKED MEXICAN WRESTLER: ready to piledrive some pitiful opponent in the ring while cheering Athenians look on.

1. TITLE: MEET ACTION PHILOSOPHER #17: PLATO!!
2. CAPTION: “Plato” means “BROAD” or “FLAT” and was the STAGE NAME of a PRO WRESTLER born ARISTOCLES on the island of AEGINA in 428 B.C.!
3. CAPTION: Apparently he adopted this nom de guerre because of his exceptionally broad SHOULDERS. (Yes, REALLY.)

PANEL TWO: PLATO, SOBBING, WALKS AWAY FROM OLYMPIC GATE that’s been barred to him. He holds a flier that reads “U SUCK.” His heart breaks.
5. CAPTION: Though two-time champ of the ISTHMIAN GAMES, Plato never qualified for the OLYMPICS, necessitating a CAREER SWITCH.
6. PLATO: Plato’s mighty heart BREAKING…

PANEL THREE: ATHENIAN MARKET: Plato comes upon SOCRATES, an old, ugly, dirty, homeless guy, surrounded by young Greeks looking like PUNKS (spiked hair, pierced noses, Anarchy symbols on their togas, etc.)
8. CAPTION: While dabbling in poetry and politics in ATHENS, Mr. Broad fell in with the wandering sage SOCRATES and his youthful students.
PANEL FOUR: SPLIT-PANEL: ORACLE OF DELPHI ON PHONE: Talking to Socrates (also on phone). She’s in one of those “Psychic Friend” commercials, though dressed all hooded-and-veiled-and-mysterious. A spiraling phone cord bisects the panel.
9. CAPTION: Socrates got into the PHILOSOPHY racket when famed “Psychic Friend” THE ORACLE AT DELPHI told him…
10. ORACLE: NO man is as wise as SOCRATES!
11. SOCRATES: Cool!

PANEL FIVE: SOCRATES AND A PRIEST OF ZEUS: Lots of dialogue, here, and that’s the point, as we get a “dialectic” demonstration with back-and-forth word balloons:

1. CAPTION: He went about PROVING this by shooting down Athenian conventional wisdom in back-and-forth “DIALECTIC” critiques:
2. PRIEST: So if RELIGION is B.S., then YOU tell ME: what IS Truth?
3. SOCRATES: I do not KNOW.
4. PRIEST: WHAT? Then how can you be wiser than EVERYBODY ELSE?
5. SOCRATES: Because I KNOW that I do not know.
6. PRIEST: By Zeus, you’re a PAIN IN THE ASS.

PANEL SIX: PUNK ROCK SOCRATES STUDENT PULLS “DIALECTIC” on the same PRIEST.

1. CAPTION: Socrates encouraged his STUDENTS to get in the act, and you know how much young people HATE showing up their ELDERS…
2. PRIEST: If you boys are searching for TRUTH, you should look to ZEUS!
3. PUNK: Are Zeus’s actions ARBITRARY, or is HE guided by Truth too?
4. PRIEST: Of COURSE Zeus is guided by Truth!
5. PUNK: Well, in that case, I should just look for Truth…

PANEL SEVEN: PUNK TURNS SMUGLY AWAY: smiling (FG), while the priest claps his hands over his mouth in horror (BG).

1. PUNK: …for a WISE MAN would not NEED Zeus!
2. PRIEST: >Gasp! Choke!<

PANEL EIGHT: ATHENIAN RIOT COPS BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF SOCRATES and his students.

1. CAPTION: THAT didn’t go over well.
2. RIOT COP #1: You goin’ DOWN, Mr. Know-It-All!
3. RIOT COP #2: Dialect THIS, mofo!

PANEL NINE: THE DEATH-CHAMBER: PLATO (AND OTHER STUDENTS): moan over the dead Socrates, who clutches a cocktail glass (with umbrella).

1. CAPTION: In 399 B.C. Socrates was convicted of CORRUPTING THE YOUTH OF ATHENS and EXECUTED with a poison cocktail of HEMLOCK.

PANEL TEN: PLATO, CARRYING SUITCASES, RUNS OVER ATHENS CITY LINE, as Hoplite guards chase after him, waving swords!

1. CAPTION: Plato would call Socrates’ death the TURNING POINT of his life.
2. CAPTION: But Athens was no longer a SAFE PLACE for Socratic students! He wandered the Mediterranean world in EXILE for over a DECADE…

PAGE TWO

PANEL ONE: PLATO COMES UPON PYTHAGOREAN CULT, a bunch of guys in white robes bowing before a floating-in-space tetraktys, or “perfect triangle” (one dot on top of two dots on top of three dots on top of four dots, a/k/a/ 1+2+3+4=10). He doesn’t quite know what to make of them. See the last page of Page Two script.

1. CAPTION: …finally ending up in SICILY, where he encountered a sect of PYTHAGOREANS.
2. CAPTION: Pythagoras—he of TRIANGLE THEOREM fame—founded a bizarre cult of MATH HIPPIES in the 6th century B.C. who believed they could comprehend the nature of the COSMOS through NUMBERS.
3. PLATO: !?!

PANEL TWO: MS: GROUP OF PYTHAGOREANS: pathetic math nerds wearing white robes that have pocket protectors and slide rules sticking out of them. The speaker is giving “thumb’s-up” sign to camera. (If possible, show the tetraktys on their chests as superhero-style symbols.)

1. CAPTION: To PURIFY their minds for mystic calculations, the Pythagoreans took a vow of SECRECY, could only wear WHITE, and swore off SEXUAL INTERCOURSE.
2. PYTHAGOREAN: That LAST one >heh!< shouldn’t be much of a CHALLENGE!

PANEL THREE: CU: LIMA BEAN: sitting modestly on a table. Pythagoreans’ eyes and noses peek up over the edge of the table, staring fearfully at it…

1. CAPTION: Some of the cult’s OTHER tenets were rather, er, UNIQUE…
2. CAPTION: …like a prohibition against touching BEANS.

PANEL FOUR: ABSTRACT PANEL: A NUMERAL “2”, two arrows pointing down to two pairs of some Dunlavey-esque gee-gaw, two 1950’s robot toys, say, and two bowling pins…throw me a frickin’ bone, here…

1. CAPTION: “ALL IS NUMBER” was their watchword…
2. CAPTION: …meaning our messy, material universe is the imperfect EXPRESSION of a higher, abstract universe…

PANEL FIVE: THOUGHT BALLOON FLOATS OUT OF PLATO’S HEAD: WORLD OF NUMBERS: a fabulous Candyland-like place where smiling, cherubic numbers dance ho-downs, have picnics, and swing on swings. Think of the “Land of Chocolate” sequence from The Simpsons. Plato’s head is in the corner; crazy spirals come out of his eyes, like he’s stoned.

1. CAPTION: …a PERFECT and HARMONIOUS realm of NUMBER.
2. PLATO (sl): Ohhhhh…Realm of NUMBERS…

PANEL SIX: MS: PLATO HAS Q.E.D. MOMENT: His thought balloon pops—sending the little, happy numbers plummeting to their deaths as he cries out:

1. PLATO: WAIT! Plato knows he know what Socrates knew he did NOT know!
2. FALLING NUMBER (sl): Well whadaya know?
3. CAPTION: Exposure to this theory led Plato to the conclusion that REAL truth was ABSTRACT, and, like numbers, unchanging--ETERNAL!

PANEL SEVEN: SIMILAR TO PAGE TWO, PANEL 4: A DOTTED CHAIR begets two different kinds of chairs…use Liza for inspiration…

1. CAPTION: All CHAIRS, for example, are simply the EXPRESSION of the IDEA of a chair—and though our “real” chairs are flawed and TEMPORARY…

PANEL EIGHT: SAME AS PAGE TWO, PANEL 5: CHAIR IDEA FROLICS with other numbers. Otherwise, panel is exactly the same—including stoned Plato.

1. CAPTION: …the IDEA or FORM of a chair is ETERNAL and unchanging!
2. PLATO (sl): Ohhhhh…Realm of FORMS…

PANEL NINE: EXTERIOR, MOVIE THEATER: a suburban gigaplex where patrons file in to see (according to the marquee): “I.M.N. FORM stars in: REALITY!”

1. CAPTION: Plato illustrated the relationship of forms to our world thusly:
2. CAPTION: “Imagine the condition of men as living in a sort of underground CAVERN.”

PANEL TEN: INTERIOR, MOVIE THEATER: patrons are watching some ultraviolent Hollywood piece of shit. Be sure to indicate the light coming from the projection booth behind them.

1. CAPTION: “Here men can only see in FRONT of them.”
2. CAPTION: “Higher up, and some distance BEHIND them, is the LIGHT of a BURNING FIRE.”

PANEL ELEVEN: CU: PROJECTIONIST’S BOOTH AS SEEN FROM AUDITORIUM: CLOSE-UP ON FLICKERING LIGHT coming out of the projector.

1. CAPTION: “Between the fire and the men is a PARAPET. Behind the parapet imagine there are men carrying all kinds of objects—including figures of men and animals—which PROJECT above the parapet.”
2. CAPTION: “In ALL WAYS, men would consider REALITY to be nothing else than the SHADOWS of those artificial objects!”

PANEL TWELVE: CU: PLATO SITTING IN MOVIE SEAT: He turns his head around…

1. CAPTION: For Plato, though, the highest duty of the philosopher was to look BEYOND these shadows of our PERCEIVED reality…

PANEL THIRTEEN: MS: PLATO CRASHES INTO PROJECTIONIST BOOTH, LUNGING AT THE TERRIFIED PROJECTIONIST! He drops the titty mag he was reading.

1. CAPTION: …and uncover the FORMS that PROJECTED them!
2. PLATO: PLATO SMASH!!
3. PROJECTIONIST: GAGHH!!

[This is the tetraktys—see Page Two, Panel 1.]

PAGE THREE

PANEL ONE: 1950’s TEENAGERS AT LOVERS LANE: Girl slaps Boy across the face when he puts a hand up her skirt (or sweater).

1. CAPTION: In fact, preferring the IDEAL to the PHYSICAL was SUCH an obssession of Plato’s…
2. GIRL: LAAAAANCE! I want our relationship to stay PLATONIC!
3. SFX: WHACK!
4. CAPTION: …that his NAME became a SYNONYM for it!

PANEL TWO: ROYAL DINNER TABLE: PLATO DISGUSTED AT HORRID TABLE MANNER OF DIONYSIUS, KING OF SICILY, a big goombah, as he wolfs down his spaghetti and meatballs like a pig. Plato has a napkin shoved daintily down his toga, holds his fork and knife correctly, as sauce and so forth sprays into his face.

1. CAPTION: Alas, PLATONISM did not serve its creator well when he became COURT PHILOSOPHER to DIONYSIUS, King of Syracuse.
2. DIONYSIUS: GLORF! SNORF! MUNCH! REND! (etc.)
3. PLATO: MUST you be so…CARNAL?

PANEL THREE: PROFILE: TWO-SHOT: DIONYSIUS & PLATO: get in each other’s faces!

1. DIONYSIUS: You speak like a geriatric FOOL!
2. PLATO: And YOU speak like a TYRANT!*
3. CAPTION (sl): *: Actual exchange!

PANEL FOUR: SICILIAN DUNGEON: PLATO HANGS FROM FETTERS like the guy from “Wizard of Id.”

1. PLATO: >Sigh!< Plato have this PROBLEM with AUTHORITY…

PANEL FIVE: PLATO, IN CHAINS, ON SLAVE AUCTION BLOCK. He begs for his freedom. The CALLER is a cowboy-hat wearing hayseed, a sign next to Plato reads “LOT #42: 1 PHILOSOPHER, USED.”

1. CAPTION: Dionysius decided to HUMILIATE Plato by selling him into SLAVERY to his hometown of AEGINA, where, fortuitously, a buddy bought his freedom.
2. PLATO: Plato do ANYTHING, just don’t want to get REAL JOB!!

PANEL SIX: PLATO STANDS PROUDLY BEFORE NEWLY-OPENED ACADEMY: a grand Classical building (q.v. Age of Empires)

1. CAPTION: His benefactor ALSO gave him enough dough to set up a SCHOOL just outside Athens.
2. PLATO: Plato name it after former resident of NEIGHBORHOOD, hero HECADEMUS!
3. CAPTION: And so THE ACADEMY opened its doors in 387 B.C.!

PANEL SEVEN: BIG PANEL: COLLEGE AUDITORIUM: PYTHAGOREAN NERDS & SOCRATIC PUNKS yell, shoot spitballs, and throw paper airplanes at each other from either side of the auditorium, clearly arguing over some finer point of philosophy. Plato stands at the speaker’s lectern, hands behind his back, happy as a clam.

1. CAPTION: At The Academy Plato divested Pythagorism of its MONDO-BIZARRO rituals…
2. CAPTION: …and gave the Socratics’ KNEEJERK CRITIQUING the Theory of Forms as an operating VALUE SYSTEM, thereby creating …
3. CAPTION: … COLLEGE!

PANEL EIGHT: OUTSIDE PLATO’S OFFICE: through the open door we can see Plato scribbling furiously with quill-on-scroll. A long line of disgruntled students (punks and nerds) leads up to the door, which has a sign on it: “OFFICE HOURS CANCELLED.”

1. CAPTION: Like ANY good professor, Plato PUBLISHED widely as well.
2. FIRST STUDENT: AGAIN?! But I gotta talk about my INDEPENDENT STUDY! >Whine!<

PANEL NINE: GRAVEYARD: using his pen like a wand, Plato summons Zombie Socrates out a grave. Socrates stumbles forward, a la “Night of the Living Dead.”

1. CAPTION: Plato’s works take the form of DIALOGUES, or discussions between teacher and student. Invariably the TEACHER is Socrates himself, RESURRECTED by Plato to mouth HIS OWN theories—and give them added LEGITIMACY!
2. SOCRATES: BRAINS!! Must…use…BRAINS!!

PANEL TEN: PLATO’S IDEA OF SOCRATES’ TRIAL: Socrates as a sparkly-clean, superhero-esque matinee idol, standing defiantly in the middle of the Athenian senate who tried him—the Senator speakers tear their hair in frustration.

1. CAPTION: In THE APOLOGY Plato transforms transient CRACKPOT Socrates into history’s first LIBERAL MARTYR!
2. SOCRATES: Since I do not know what comes AFTER death, why should I FEAR it? >Chuckle!<
3. SENATOR #1: His witty HUMANISM trumps our staid adhearance to TRADITION! >Choke!<
4. SENATOR #2: He’s RIGHT—but because he’s an AFFRONT to our power—we have to kill him ANYWAY! >Sob!<

PANEL ELEVEN: BIG PANEL: THE REPUBLIC: A futuristic, fascist City-State with pictures of Socrates everywhere, “Big Brother”-style.

1. CAPTION: Plato’s Academy THRIVED for centuries as a center for MATHEMATICS and ETHICS—two subjects dependant on ABSOLUTES!
2. CAPTION: But in his dialogue THE REPUBLIC, Plato himself tried using the SAME absolutes to propose the PERFECT SOCIETY.

PAGE FOUR

PANEL ONE: GIGANTIC STATE-RUN ORPHANAGE: babies suckle from a row of formula bottles, mounted to the wall. Leading to the tubes is a picture of the state (Socrates)…which the babies all look up to and admire.

1. CAPTION: Here children would be taken from their mothers at BIRTH and raised in state ORPHANAGES, so they would think of the GOVERNMENT as their PARENTS.
2. BABIES: MA-MA! DA-DA!

PANEL TWO: SISSY, SKINNY FARMER TRIES TO PUSH PLOW: But it’s too heavy for him.

1. CAPTION: Schooling determined a citizen’s place in society. All those who flunked GYM became FARMERS to grow food for the good of ALL.
2. FARMER: >Pant!< >Pant!< !@#$%! DODGEBALL!

PANEL THREE: THREE DUMB (BUT BIG) SOLDIERS rush over foxholes, clutching laser rifles.

1. CAPTION: If you passed gym but flunked MATH, you’d enter the MILITARY.
2. SOLDIER #1: There’s 3,000 of THEM--and one—plus one—plus one of US!
3. SOLDIER #2: We OUTNUMBER them!! GET ‘EM, boys!!!

PANEL FOUR: CU: GROUP OF THE CRÈME DE LA CRÈME OF REPUBLIC SOCIETY: all buff, smart, and handsome—looking expectantly up at camera.

1. CAPTION: But if you excelled at gym AND math, you were one of the ELITE, destined to LEAD the Republic, and YOU would get to study—
2. CAPTION: —wait for it—

PANEL FIVE: BIG PANEL: ACADEMY BATHHOUSE: CRÈME DE LA CRÈME, dressed like THE VILLAGE PEOPLE, run around in towels, snapping each other, hanging off each other, and generally acting like flaming queens.

1. CAPTION: —PHILOSOPHY! (Surprised?)
2. CAPTION: These philosopher-rulers would SLEEP TOGETHER, work together, and share ALL possessions—and THIS would keep them free of CORRUPTION.

12a. CAPTION: (POLITICAL corruption, that is.)

PANEL SIX: REPUBLIC ARMY MARCHES IN PERFECT FORMATION: past a Mao-esque poster of Big-Brother Socrates.

1. CAPTION: ONE of the 35 would be chosen to be the PHILOSOPHER-KING who would rule over ALL.
2. CAPTION: All music and literature that did not praise the state would be BANNED—all INDIVIDUALISM would be utterly ERADICATED.
3. CAPTION: Plato would have forced HUMAN SOCIETY to adhere to the IMPOSSIBLE, ABSTRACT STANDARD of the REALM OF FORMS!

PANEL SEVEN: DION, COUSIN TO DIONYSUS, encourages Plato to return to Syracuse. Plato rubs his chin in consideration.

1. CAPTION: In 367 B.C. Plato was offered an opportunity to REALIZE his demented brand of HOMOEROTIC FASCISM…
2. DION: DUDE! Come back to SYRACUSE! Dionysus is DEAD! We can set The Republic up HERE, it’ll be AWESOME!

PANEL EIGHT: SAME PANEL AS PAGE THREE, PANEL 4: Except now Dion hangs beside Plato in the fetters.

1. PLATO: You’re an IDIOT.
2. CAPTION: Things didn’t go exactly as PLANNED. Plato wisely stayed OUT of politics until his DEATH in 347 B.C.

PANEL NINE: SAME PANEL AS PAGE THREE, PANEL 6: Except now the Academy is SHUT DOWN and in a shambles, maybe with a “Out of Business” sign hanging over it.

1. CAPTION: The Christian Emperor JUSTINIAN shut down the Academy in A.D. 529, because it was too ATHEISTIC for him. This event is usually used to demarcate the start of THE DARK AGES.
2. CAPTION: Nevertheless, the fundamentals of ACADEMIC LIFE have changed little since Plato INVENTED them…

PANEL TEN: MODERN DAY COLLEGE CLASSROOM: PROFESSOR DRONES on and on while two students in the front look at each other; one circles his ear in the “He’s Crazy” sign. Ryan, as I mentioned at lunch, have some kind of sight gag up on the blackboard—literally anything you want to draw—and I’ll write to the image.

1. CAPTION: …so if you ever thought your professors were a little DICTATORIAL….or just plain OUT TO LUNCH…
2. PROFESSOR: [Says something funny]
   PANEL ELEVEN: SIMILAR TO PAGE TWO, PANEL 7: WORD BALLOON FLOATS OUT OF STONED PROFESSOR’S HEAD: Containing the Land of Forms—the professor frolics with chair-idea, a number, Plato, and all their Happy Friends…
3. CAPTION: …well, NOW you know where they were LUNCHING.
4. PROFESSOR (sl): Ohhhhh…Realm of IDEAS…

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